I honestly can't explain myself to anyone most of the time. I don't know why I have these feelings, love. I don't know why sometimes all I want to do is act depressed and not say anything to anyone. I don't know why you are included in "people", you shouldn't be. You are so much better than anyone I know and everything I ever told you you've always reacted to so gracefully. I have no right to want to exclude you from my life at all, my love. And I'm sorry. So sorry.
I have long feared that my sins would return to visit me; and the cost is more than I can bear. I can't pay the price for my past. It haunts me so. You don't deserve my cold moments and blank words that come and go as often as the sun and moon. These moments brought about by the memories that torment me; the demons that bring me so much pain I can't even explain. I've given them the power to do so because I feel like I deserve it. I feel like I've earned it. God will take them away as soon as I let Him, this I know, but I can't. I don't deserve it. I know how much the little things mean to you, believe me, they mean just as much or more to me. I read into things a lot too and I know I don't remember the moments when I was totally oblivious to the good times and bad times. And I'm sorry. So Sorry.
My heart hurts. All the time, except when I get to see your face or hear your voice. I know that you are mine and I know I'm being a hypocrite, but it's not enough, damn it. I can't console you or make you stop crying from all the way over here. 197 miles is way to many miles, my love. I can't cover them to get to you legally or morally. And I'm sorry. So Sorry.
I'm sick now; and I'm angry often. I'm desperate to see you, much less hear you. Everything anyone else says or does just doesn't matter to me. I'm in pain. Why? I have all the love in the world that one person could ever need. All my parents ever did was hide there childish, sensitive child and didn't bother to give him the help he needed. Now I'm long gone and I can't control myself. I need Him. He's the only way. I don't see any way out of this. The only way to fix me doesn't include you. And I'm sorry. So sorry.
I'm sorry you've been going through all of this, Frederik. If it's any consolation, I'm praying for you immensely. :)
ReplyDeleteYou should post more! You really should. Some drafts you have maybe?
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Once upon a time, there was a girl. She held her heart for no one to see, for no one to know, like it was a secret, like it was all she had to give. This girl was afraid to give away because she didn't want it to be worthless.
ReplyDeleteOnce upon a time, there was a boy. A boy who had a heart the size of the moon, a heart that had been trusted to others and misused, this boy was very much afraid and saddened by this, because he thought that his heart was now worthless.
Once upon a time, this boy found this girl, he slowly opened the door to her heart and kissed her soul. She could breath for the first time, and felt more alive then she'd known was possible. And she loved him.
Once Upon a time, this girl found this boy, she picked up his broken heart and glued it back together with her love. She showed him how precious it was to her, what a treasure he had beating inside of himself. And he loved her.
And they lived happily ever after. But most importantly, they lived and they loved without restraint.