I fucking miss you. I'm not going to lie. Not even to myself. In order to truly hold onto a lie and make it true for someone else, one must first get themselves to believe the lie. I don't love you, that's a lie. I don't want you, that's a lie. I don't miss you, that's a lie. A real lie, and I've been believing them to be true for a couple weeks now and I'm so tired of that. Maybe now I can sleep.Maybe now I can focus on one thing. Maybe now I can stop sleeping with your jacket and maybe now I'll throw YOUR jewelry out of a moving car window. I won't though, because I still plan on returning all of it. I have it down to the day, actually. Of when I plan on giving you back your stuff. I hope by then it will no longer bear the gory sentimental value that it does now.
I don't want to be dead. That's a lie. I don't dream about you anymore. That's a lie. I don't see Elizabeth everywhere. That's a lie. This pain is unbearable, I miss you so much and my belongings are slowly being broken as a result. Thank God I put all of my guitar stuff away, that would have been terrible. So terrible. The plain truth, Jane, is that I love you and I want you more than anything I can think of. I'm just not good enough for you. I hate myself for that, I always will. I'll never be someone that you don't resent sometimes no matter what happens between us. I'll never genuinely want to be cliche. I'll never be able to be strong enough for you and I hate myself for that, I always will.
I'm coming for you. watch your blind side.
27.8.12
26.8.12
First Day.
Screaming. screaming. Endless screaming. A shit load of screaming is what I'm talking about here. . .
You know like in 500 days of Summer and suffering except with. . . screaming because sometimes I just feel like screaming and for a really odd reason when I type screaming, the word screaming. Things are better for me, in general.
And when there's no more of that to do I'll stop, look around and see everyone near me, staring at me. Thinking, what the hell is this kid doing? And I'll have to explain myself and people will get hurt and people will get on my fucking nerves. Then I'll realize that all that screaming I did was not worth this shit hole that I'm in. I can't mask my emotions for a prolonged period of time. That's why it's a terrible idea for me to live with people. Absolutely terrible. . . I hate myself so much right now.
So I'm trapped. . . And I've looked every where I know or have thought to know to look. I've yet to find an exit. I'm trapped and you simply won't help me.
I am running out of words to say to you, wonderin' why I'm wasting my time. Thinking back and wondering why I'm such a fool, for loving you.
After reading that line, you're going to think it's directed at you. I'm here to tell you that it is. So just take it easy and know that I still hate you and always will. I really really love his voice and I like what he does with it when he sings these lines. That's why I have it pretty much everywhere. . .
You know like in 500 days of Summer and suffering except with. . . screaming because sometimes I just feel like screaming and for a really odd reason when I type screaming, the word screaming. Things are better for me, in general.
And when there's no more of that to do I'll stop, look around and see everyone near me, staring at me. Thinking, what the hell is this kid doing? And I'll have to explain myself and people will get hurt and people will get on my fucking nerves. Then I'll realize that all that screaming I did was not worth this shit hole that I'm in. I can't mask my emotions for a prolonged period of time. That's why it's a terrible idea for me to live with people. Absolutely terrible. . . I hate myself so much right now.
So I'm trapped. . . And I've looked every where I know or have thought to know to look. I've yet to find an exit. I'm trapped and you simply won't help me.
I am running out of words to say to you, wonderin' why I'm wasting my time. Thinking back and wondering why I'm such a fool, for loving you.
After reading that line, you're going to think it's directed at you. I'm here to tell you that it is. So just take it easy and know that I still hate you and always will. I really really love his voice and I like what he does with it when he sings these lines. That's why I have it pretty much everywhere. . .
No, no, no, no, no, no, no.
I hope the weight of what you've done to me crushes all your dreams.
I'd loved you enough to know them but now I know to much about you
you make me ill and you don't deserve that smile on your face or her on your arm
Please don't tell me that you still love me when what you've done is screaming that you don't
No, I won't call and if you still go, I won't be there, no, I'll never show,
but wait all night if you want to, I hear they have a lovely quiche there.
I hope the weight of what you've done to me crushes all your hopes and dreams and I, I hope you think of me when you're at the bottom of your valley and the shadows are darkening to shades of black you've never seen before or even known existed.
Please don't tell me that you still love me when what you're doing right now, what you're doing right now. I see you, you can't hide a thing from me because I did love you and I did know you enough to see the moment you lied to me for the first time.
You're making me cry. I'm crying at this moment. Right now, I'm shedding tears. You keep reassuring me, but it's not really working. You've just informed me of something I previously didn't know about and I'll be honest, it kinda sucks. I thought that, since you loved me and junk, it wouldn't matter. I thought. . . that was my mistake I guess. I think to damn much. Please spare me the trouble of your words, girl. I don't need you at all, never have, never will. What we had, well your side of it at least, was always a lie, I can't believe you could try and tell me other wise now. I know everything, girl. I know where you were with him. I know who he was. I know exactly what happened.
Well it's your loss, I don't want your stupid friendship anyway. . . because that's all it is stupid, that's all you are, girl. Stupid. Why after all the crap we've been through together would you suddenly do this to me!? well I'm done, honestly, I'm totally just done with you. I quit. And if you ever talk to Jane again I'll freaking kill you. If you ever touch her again, If you ever look at her wrong. Yea, I hope you do read this, girl. You need to find out somehow that your life is on the line next time you pull crap like this.
I've stopped now. The crying has ceased. Just like my grandmother and you knew that and you took advantage of that and you made fun of me. What kind of a monster are you, girl!? That's my grandmother we're talking about here. Whatever, I forgot what I was about to say, that's how little you mean to me. screw you. And not in the good way.
I'd loved you enough to know them but now I know to much about you
you make me ill and you don't deserve that smile on your face or her on your arm
Please don't tell me that you still love me when what you've done is screaming that you don't
No, I won't call and if you still go, I won't be there, no, I'll never show,
but wait all night if you want to, I hear they have a lovely quiche there.
I hope the weight of what you've done to me crushes all your hopes and dreams and I, I hope you think of me when you're at the bottom of your valley and the shadows are darkening to shades of black you've never seen before or even known existed.
Please don't tell me that you still love me when what you're doing right now, what you're doing right now. I see you, you can't hide a thing from me because I did love you and I did know you enough to see the moment you lied to me for the first time.
You're making me cry. I'm crying at this moment. Right now, I'm shedding tears. You keep reassuring me, but it's not really working. You've just informed me of something I previously didn't know about and I'll be honest, it kinda sucks. I thought that, since you loved me and junk, it wouldn't matter. I thought. . . that was my mistake I guess. I think to damn much. Please spare me the trouble of your words, girl. I don't need you at all, never have, never will. What we had, well your side of it at least, was always a lie, I can't believe you could try and tell me other wise now. I know everything, girl. I know where you were with him. I know who he was. I know exactly what happened.
Well it's your loss, I don't want your stupid friendship anyway. . . because that's all it is stupid, that's all you are, girl. Stupid. Why after all the crap we've been through together would you suddenly do this to me!? well I'm done, honestly, I'm totally just done with you. I quit. And if you ever talk to Jane again I'll freaking kill you. If you ever touch her again, If you ever look at her wrong. Yea, I hope you do read this, girl. You need to find out somehow that your life is on the line next time you pull crap like this.
I've stopped now. The crying has ceased. Just like my grandmother and you knew that and you took advantage of that and you made fun of me. What kind of a monster are you, girl!? That's my grandmother we're talking about here. Whatever, I forgot what I was about to say, that's how little you mean to me. screw you. And not in the good way.
Chapter 3
Let me tell you about my school. I love my school, I really really do. I find this odd, I think, for most freshman. Most freshman like me, you know, the band geeks, get picked on mercilessly; but not me. I think it has something to do with the fact that my brother is on the football team and plays alongside one of the greatest linebackers in Texas high school history. That probably gives him a lot of influence in a place like high school, but what do I know? It's always interesting when I see my brother in the hallways of the same school. Especially when he is with his friends because he always seems to be in a very big hurry. My brother is a very smart guy, but sometimes he acts really stupid around his buddies.
Where was I? I always seem to get sidetracked. Oh yes, my school. It's fairly large considering it is a private high school. It's an all boys establishment and was founded in 1852. Yes. It's old. very very old. The building we're in isn't that old, though it has seen a very large amount of years. It has three stories and is in the shape of an 'L'. The gymnasium is at the end of the hall on the shorter side of the 'L' and beneath it is the locker room. I won't tell you what happened to me in that locker room simply because I think that my brain had the wherewithal to shut it out. I have made a few friends, most of which are composed of my fellow band geeks and a few of my classmates. I don't think very many people here like me. It's probably simply because I'm nothing like them. I know I'm not, I wonder if it's blatantly obvious in their minds that they don't like me because I'm different. Maybe they're lying to themselves telling themselves and others that their not liking me is justified by something that I've done wrong. I'm sure my shortcomings aren't a very short list, but these people, they seem to take every stab at me that they can manage. That paragraph I just wrote was really very run together and it probably made almost no sense to you. But that's my fault. So don't beat yourself up about it.
My time at school that was not spent failing class or in the band hall, I was outside, when the weather permitted, eating lunch with my band friends. It's an odd thing, when among the band geeks are some of the most highly revered people in the school. Or at least those with the brightest futures. My friend Josh, Asian kid, was of course, a genius. It's funny though because he wasn't one of those Asians that studies the crap out of everything, he was just naturally studious and smart. It balanced out and everything, so odd. Again, I lose myself. Lunch, right. Thank you. One day at lunch my friend, or rather acquaintance, Rene thought it would be a good idea to throw some of his left over food at the outcast seniors sitting on some bleachers. After he did so and was promptly returned the blessing, he got really upset, punched one of the seniors and was expelled. It was funny though, because I love seeing people be so irrational. Yes, it drives me to tears of frustration on the inside. I have found that it's much easier and more delightful for me if I just laugh. At everything. So I do. So I did.
That afternoon after school (about a week in, maybe two), I met her. It's funny, I hardly remember her name because to this day she is simply "her". In my phone, in my journals, in my e-mail contact list. Just "her". Brianna. That's her name. How I met her is extremely unforgettable, especially how much we used to laugh at it later in our friendship. I was sitting in the Band Hall at the tables listening to the band practice and I remember seeing her earlier, walk in from across the street at her school. She was talking to one of my other friends Vince. He was a sophomore and he quickly befriended me, because well, he was a nice guy. So I see him point at me and then they exchange a few words and as he puts his trumpet to his mouth and inhales, she walks towards me.
Her words are barely audible over the 40+ member band in a room that barely houses us all. She said, "Hi! Are you David?!" I, stunned that this beauty was addressing me, muttered, really whispered.
"Yeah, why what's up?!"
"My boyfriend Vincent asked me to ask you to come with me to the corner store. He says it's sketchy and you're pretty cool."
"Sure, let's go!" I said with a smile, not even letting the boyfriend comment harm me. I didn't care. I was in love.
After we got out the double glass doors, she introduced herself and we went through the niceties of fellow band geeks. The instrument, the voice, the desire. After that brief, slightly aided introduction, we were nearly inseparable. She was beautiful. Her light skin and thick, dark wavy hair made my skin tingle and as we walked I remember thinking how perfect her profile was. Surely an odd thing to think, you might observe, but I didn't and still do not care. She made me happy to be where I was, instantly, and that's all I ever look for. She is beautiful and I love her. Loved. I meant loved her.
Where was I? I always seem to get sidetracked. Oh yes, my school. It's fairly large considering it is a private high school. It's an all boys establishment and was founded in 1852. Yes. It's old. very very old. The building we're in isn't that old, though it has seen a very large amount of years. It has three stories and is in the shape of an 'L'. The gymnasium is at the end of the hall on the shorter side of the 'L' and beneath it is the locker room. I won't tell you what happened to me in that locker room simply because I think that my brain had the wherewithal to shut it out. I have made a few friends, most of which are composed of my fellow band geeks and a few of my classmates. I don't think very many people here like me. It's probably simply because I'm nothing like them. I know I'm not, I wonder if it's blatantly obvious in their minds that they don't like me because I'm different. Maybe they're lying to themselves telling themselves and others that their not liking me is justified by something that I've done wrong. I'm sure my shortcomings aren't a very short list, but these people, they seem to take every stab at me that they can manage. That paragraph I just wrote was really very run together and it probably made almost no sense to you. But that's my fault. So don't beat yourself up about it.
My time at school that was not spent failing class or in the band hall, I was outside, when the weather permitted, eating lunch with my band friends. It's an odd thing, when among the band geeks are some of the most highly revered people in the school. Or at least those with the brightest futures. My friend Josh, Asian kid, was of course, a genius. It's funny though because he wasn't one of those Asians that studies the crap out of everything, he was just naturally studious and smart. It balanced out and everything, so odd. Again, I lose myself. Lunch, right. Thank you. One day at lunch my friend, or rather acquaintance, Rene thought it would be a good idea to throw some of his left over food at the outcast seniors sitting on some bleachers. After he did so and was promptly returned the blessing, he got really upset, punched one of the seniors and was expelled. It was funny though, because I love seeing people be so irrational. Yes, it drives me to tears of frustration on the inside. I have found that it's much easier and more delightful for me if I just laugh. At everything. So I do. So I did.
That afternoon after school (about a week in, maybe two), I met her. It's funny, I hardly remember her name because to this day she is simply "her". In my phone, in my journals, in my e-mail contact list. Just "her". Brianna. That's her name. How I met her is extremely unforgettable, especially how much we used to laugh at it later in our friendship. I was sitting in the Band Hall at the tables listening to the band practice and I remember seeing her earlier, walk in from across the street at her school. She was talking to one of my other friends Vince. He was a sophomore and he quickly befriended me, because well, he was a nice guy. So I see him point at me and then they exchange a few words and as he puts his trumpet to his mouth and inhales, she walks towards me.
Her words are barely audible over the 40+ member band in a room that barely houses us all. She said, "Hi! Are you David?!" I, stunned that this beauty was addressing me, muttered, really whispered.
"Yeah, why what's up?!"
"My boyfriend Vincent asked me to ask you to come with me to the corner store. He says it's sketchy and you're pretty cool."
"Sure, let's go!" I said with a smile, not even letting the boyfriend comment harm me. I didn't care. I was in love.
After we got out the double glass doors, she introduced herself and we went through the niceties of fellow band geeks. The instrument, the voice, the desire. After that brief, slightly aided introduction, we were nearly inseparable. She was beautiful. Her light skin and thick, dark wavy hair made my skin tingle and as we walked I remember thinking how perfect her profile was. Surely an odd thing to think, you might observe, but I didn't and still do not care. She made me happy to be where I was, instantly, and that's all I ever look for. She is beautiful and I love her. Loved. I meant loved her.
23.8.12
Numb.
To have all of my nerve endings and emotions just stop. To be torn to pieces and still feel as one.
To be crushed by the weight of you and not even know your name.
To stare at the sun all day and still be able to see clear.
To have no knowledge of what I did the day before, much less ate for breakfast. If anything.
I want to be but not feel, I want to eat but not taste and I want to see but not understand. I don't want to die, not yet, because I know that even though you will never know how wrong you were, I need to be around for the day that I become what I want. I need to stop. I need to breathe. I need to repair; re mantle; reevaluate. Hysterical and useless, hysterical and let down and hanging around. Crushed like a bug in the ground.
I'll take an unheard prayer to be my freeing verse.
I'll be a beautiful day, that is, one with your hearse.
I don't have time to be your sole, only to say that I am done.
I am burned out and I don't even know why. I've no reason to be and I can't even begin to think why I would be.
I hate you without feeling. I want to kill you and not care, I want to curse at you and not feel remorse and I want to tell you to your face all of these things. I hate you. I fucking hate you. This is say in a letter to myself I fucking hate you, David. I fucking hate you. Why do you have to be this way?!?! Stop it! stop crying, my eyes burn. I can't. I can't stop, it feels too damn good. Stop it, stop, there's so much blood! I can't. I can't stop. It feels too damn good. Why can't I just I stop feeling? Why can't I just close my eyes to never find them open again?
To be crushed by the weight of you and not even know your name.
To stare at the sun all day and still be able to see clear.
To have no knowledge of what I did the day before, much less ate for breakfast. If anything.
I want to be but not feel, I want to eat but not taste and I want to see but not understand. I don't want to die, not yet, because I know that even though you will never know how wrong you were, I need to be around for the day that I become what I want. I need to stop. I need to breathe. I need to repair; re mantle; reevaluate. Hysterical and useless, hysterical and let down and hanging around. Crushed like a bug in the ground.
I'll take an unheard prayer to be my freeing verse.
I'll be a beautiful day, that is, one with your hearse.
I don't have time to be your sole, only to say that I am done.
I am burned out and I don't even know why. I've no reason to be and I can't even begin to think why I would be.
I hate you without feeling. I want to kill you and not care, I want to curse at you and not feel remorse and I want to tell you to your face all of these things. I hate you. I fucking hate you. This is say in a letter to myself I fucking hate you, David. I fucking hate you. Why do you have to be this way?!?! Stop it! stop crying, my eyes burn. I can't. I can't stop, it feels too damn good. Stop it, stop, there's so much blood! I can't. I can't stop. It feels too damn good. Why can't I just I stop feeling? Why can't I just close my eyes to never find them open again?
18.8.12
Not Yet Complete.
This is an introduction to my favorite Relient K quotes. .. I'm basically listening to my favorite songs by them and when the quote comes around, I add it. . . this could take a while. Anyway, Relient K is more than awesome. They were my first favorite band and are still one of my favorites.
If it hurts, kiss it better.
You wear skirts, I write nice letters
Never said nothing with flowers, though we'd always talk for hours. -Jefferson Aero Plane
So reckless for all these years,
I crashed into a wall
there's a ringing in my ears
and It's my wake up call :) - Wake Up Call
Adversity; we get around it
I search for joy; in You I've found it - Pressing On
Never Underestimate my Jesus
When the world around you crumbles, he will be strong - For the Moments I Feel Faint
You'll find mercy, you'll see grace,
love and beauty defined in His face - The Rest Is Up To You
No, I don't hate you; don't wanna fight you
know I'll always love you but right now I just don't like you - Which to Bury?. . .
Today I'll trust you with the confidence of a man who's never known defeat
but tomorrow upon hearing what I did, I will stare at you in disbelief - Let it All Out
I'll let it be known, at times I have shown signs of all my weakness
but somewhere in me, there is strength; you promised me
in time I will defeat this & somewhere in me, there is strength. - Let it all out
If it hurts, kiss it better.
You wear skirts, I write nice letters
Never said nothing with flowers, though we'd always talk for hours. -Jefferson Aero Plane
So reckless for all these years,
I crashed into a wall
there's a ringing in my ears
and It's my wake up call :) - Wake Up Call
Adversity; we get around it
I search for joy; in You I've found it - Pressing On
Never Underestimate my Jesus
When the world around you crumbles, he will be strong - For the Moments I Feel Faint
You'll find mercy, you'll see grace,
love and beauty defined in His face - The Rest Is Up To You
No, I don't hate you; don't wanna fight you
know I'll always love you but right now I just don't like you - Which to Bury?. . .
Today I'll trust you with the confidence of a man who's never known defeat
but tomorrow upon hearing what I did, I will stare at you in disbelief - Let it All Out
I'll let it be known, at times I have shown signs of all my weakness
but somewhere in me, there is strength; you promised me
in time I will defeat this & somewhere in me, there is strength. - Let it all out
14.8.12
8.8.12
Long Live.
Have you heard of the man who walks around his city crying out into the air?
His cries are sad and his walk is filled with anguish, yet no one seems to care about him.
It is said that when he goes home he's happy and his wife and kids say he's perfectly normal.
I think that he's found his tree and taken refuge in the shade, forgetting the people around him.
He does what he knows he must to be happy, and he does it in freedom.
Good for him, who has found his key to happiness.
Long live the man who is free in his own mind to do what makes him happy.
His cries are sad and his walk is filled with anguish, yet no one seems to care about him.
It is said that when he goes home he's happy and his wife and kids say he's perfectly normal.
I think that he's found his tree and taken refuge in the shade, forgetting the people around him.
He does what he knows he must to be happy, and he does it in freedom.
Good for him, who has found his key to happiness.
Long live the man who is free in his own mind to do what makes him happy.
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