I'm dealing with a little feeling called loneliness at the moment. My stomach is gnawing itself completely raw, tears keep springing up and overflowing over my lower eyelashes, and my fingers tend to shake as well as my right foot. But I'm fighting every miserable little urge that comes with these feelings with one small knowledge; he loves me.
I never would have guessed that this much anxiety would surface over his absence, but neither did I even consider how much certainty would come with the extra thoughts to myself.
Over the last couple of days I've been allowed to run events, words, and actions through my mind -- actions that became overlooked with the stresses that surfaced with our daily conversations and interactions. I've realized that I've never encountered, expect, or imagined a boy as faithful as the one that God has given to me. That I've never dreamed of someone so selfless, so loving, to overflowing with reassurance and care. He's like a dream, but he doesn't leave when reality sets in. No... he doesn't leave. He never leaves. He's always there. And I found how now, in his absence, during a natural time of growth that couldn't be avoided, that I miss these things I may or may not have hardly noticed before.
I'm so lost in this ache, in this feeling, this hole on the left side of my chest -- that I realize what I took for granted.
I realize now how I could have acted so much more receptive. I realize that now... and it makes me sick how much regret is filling my stomach, how much ache is filling the hole where my heart used to be. But I'm okay... because the butterflies are dancing for him, and my heart is safe in his care. I wouldn't want it any other way... I wouldn't want anything else. I feel such regret for ever making him think anything else about my feelings... if my intentions ever came off as anything other than to spend the rest of my life with him, and every moment waiting for him to come back to me dreaming of him voice. I sincerely regret that.
Love, I'm sorry. Darling, I regret it. Babe, I promise never to do it again. Enjoy your time of growth, share it with me when the moment wills, never forget me, but please don't dwell on my feelings. I'm growing to, in my own way. And when we're reunited and things go back to normal... scratch that, better than normal... perfect... we will both be in such a position to love and be loved in return. This is necessary, and we will be even more amazing than before.This is the pressure we need to turn us both into something to precious and beautiful as a diamond that was once coal.
Just keep being patient... and I'll keep realizing how stupid I am for being so insecure. Just keep loving me, and I won't be able to help loving you back. Just keep being you, and please don't let me change you.
Just don't ever me go... please. I need you more than life. You are my life. Without you I am nothing. You are my dream, my hope, my passion... just by smiling. When you do your best... you become even more. I've memorized every line in your face, every gesture, every habit... I know them all. Every sound you make when you yawn...I know them by heart. I love you, dear-heart. I really truly do.
I can't wait to taste peppermint and rain with you again...
I can't wait to feel alive again with one glance, to fall deeply in to your eyes and swim in your gaze...
I miss you, it's true. I miss you more than I can stand. But I'm strong now... thanks to you, and I will be okay. We will be okay. We will always be okay. Because we're meant to be.
"and as the months turn into years, just know that i will wait here for you." - Christopher Drew Ingle
So now it's just you and me, babe. Just you and me, me and you... you and I. This is all that I ever wanted. And now it's mine. Thank you so much.
Here's to us.
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