what grew. . . what grew. . . and inside who. first so simple was the vow, then the chorus sang aloud. . . What grew. What grew inside of me to make me so. when and by who was the seed planted. how come I can't shake it? How come it seems impossible to make you go away? It's impossible. your name makes physically ill, even now. I'm ill. as I type. I hold down whatever it is I just ate, I can't even remember. What did you do to me, felicity? How did you do what you did. I don't understand any of it. And I don't. . .
want to because then I would have to deal with it. That's why when. . . All you gave me was a hug. I don't even know if you said anything. I don't. Remember if you said anything. my tears and sobbing must have muffled all other voice. well. . sobbing. more like bawling. I bawled in the arms of the one I loved and the one I thought loved me for a good five second over a year ago. Almost two years. I still remember what she was wearing. I till remember. Exactly where it happened. I remember how I ran from my dorm to you to try to fix everything . . . and how I sulked back to where I stayed up all night still clinging to your jacket. I remember how Miranda talked to me and cried with me and regretted not telling me about you. I remember how I asked her to hate you with me for just a little bit. And she said she wished she could. I remember how she said she wished she came with us. I remember how you, felicity, asked me to go with you and then you left me alone. On more than one occasion. On more than two occasions. I'm bitter maybe. but tonight my emotions have been stirred and above all others, the ones I get concerning you are the most painful. I cried and Jeremy came down from his bunk and sat on mine and listened to Linkin Park with me. heh. I remember one of my black friends who was next to me who just stared at me as I cried. All. Night. Long.

What grew? What grew in me in that laundromat? How did you get it there even before then, Jane? how did you make me fall for you even before I talked to you for the first in a year? How did you plant that seed on my heart. What grew to make you love me back? what grew to make you want me and none other? what grew to make us so perfect? I remember when we got walked in on, twice. I remember when I said it's time and took both of us completely off guard. I remember when I made you upset and you thought we were done and I brought you pizza. I remember when you sat me down on that pick-nick table and I thought you were through with me. I remember more than you think. I just really really like it when you tell me. I remember comforting you long before when he was hurting you. I remember and still have the card you made for me on my birthday. I remember when Caleb came and dissed our latex glove balloons. I remember when you came back. again again. not the first time you came back, but the second. How I was scared to touch you because I thought she might be around and how you complained of it later and made me feel like total crap. I remember when I left earlier than most. and you cried and as we left I saw your ride pass us by. thinking to myself. Why can't we just. . be? wherever we are, we meet restrictions upon our relationship. . . I remember joking about being punished by way of crucifixion for your doings in that place.

I love you Janey Jane. Wake up.