Living in my fright

Not. . . misersaddepression a mix of miserable sad and depression. . . the feeling I get when I am in this position I'm in right now. I'm smart, so I over think. I'm funny, so sometimes I'm a complete ass.

I don't think they are jealous of me at all. I'm falling apart. I really am. My seams are popping out from the pressure that is anger that I am holding in. Jane, I love you. I can't handle you thinking that I don't. I can't handle having been gone for so long and being unable to sleep forever and ever. I don't know what it is. I can't sleep. I'm not tired. I'm not hungry. my throat hurts a bit. I just can't sleep. I need you to call me and talk to me with your voice like sweet honey hitting my ears and making my brain and thoughts sweet again. I need you my sweet love. My sweet perfect. I can't wait. for that day. whether it be the eighteenth. the seventeenth. the sixteenth. a year. Two years. I don't know. I honestly don't know. I've been gone to long. I'm sorry I've been gone so long. but I'm here. I'm back and my spark to write has been refreshed like making candles out of drippings. . . or. something.

Let Down.

      This is an interesting notion, that I love you more than you will ever know. Is that not. . . unfathomable? Just like eternity or infinity or a line. NEVER ending. Somethings we ,as humans just cannot comprehend. So even though I can not comprehend it, I will say that I love you more than you will ever know. Simply because everything that I can comprehend is not good enough for you. It's not good enough for my love for you. Maybe it's just because I'm not smart enough to comprehend something worthy of your awesomeness. I don't know, but all I know is that you will NEVER know how much I do love you.

     Either way, let me try to explain. If I had to die to keep you alive, I would. If I had to lose my hands, the tools with which I do everything of value to me to keep you safe from anything, I would. If I had to live alone so you could be happy for the rest of your life, I would. If I had to lose everything and everyone of value to me for you, I would. At the drop of a hat, I would do all these things for you.

     But now I have failed in doing what is right. I opened my damned mouth and hurt you. I'm sorry.I've let you down.

     

They are as follows

Elizabeth- My first born daughter, the apple of my eye. I am going to have an extremely hard time not spoiling this child. I will  teach her everything. She will dance, write or be a musician. I will cry the day she turns 13, then again at 16, and again at 18. Every other birthday will be tears of joy. Especially her birth day.

Jane- My second born daughter. Tough. Stands up for what she wants. Respects herself but doesn't throw away respect for others. She will be more like her mother really, not like me at all. If she was like me she couldn't be strong or anything of the sort. If she were like me she would be as sensitive as a freaking something. . . that's. . . really sensitive.

Silver Joy- Always (as her name suggests) happy. Full of God's joy. From the moment she is born she will not only be joyful and but bring joy to everyone.

Brantlee- Honestly, you would have to ask his mother. MY children... are going to be girls. LMAO. oh I'm a terrible terrible person. Honestly, if Brantlee were like me... I would be o.k. with that. Not to be conceited or anything but. . . I mean. come on. I'm awesome. Right? Anyway.

This is. . . For now how I pray my children are in the future. Only God knows if it's actually going to happen, but you know. . . yea.
    
     Sorry for my recent string of absence, I've been EXTREMELY busy. . . I love you all and thank you oh so much for still reading my bloggy blog.

I love. . . Fortunately.

I love. . . The cold; especially in places where it doesn't really belong; like San Antonio, Tx. I love. . . The smell of fresh cut grass. I love. . . seeing the biggest buck go out to eat after the sun sets. I love. . . Actual musicians. I love. . . writing so much the muscles in my hand begin to pump battery acid and my bones feel like glass. I love. . . singing while the tractor is running and nobody can hear me because, let's face it, I can't sing. I love. . . not wearing my glasses for an extended period of time and then putting them on and. . . seeing what I previously thought to have disappeared. I love. . . Getting cold to the bones and having the sun warm me but only for a minute or two because then I will sweat. I love. . . pushing the rules; not breaking just. . . almost breaking them. I love. . . a good expensive pen and some 100% cotton paper. I love . . .the stars at night on the beach. I love. . . Your hand in mine and your hair in your face, blocking from you the fact that I never look anywhere else but at you. I love. . . You in your Sunday best. I love. . . Your Toms and your absolutely adorable feet. I love. . .

complete insanity

you won't believe what happened today. i introduced myself to someone. the first girl of whom i asked her name, told her my name and shook her hand. (she offered; take it easy). her name is elizabeth. i swear. she introduced herself as lizzie, but then i was like, so that's short for elizabeth? and she said yes and. . .  i couldn't believe it, babe. it was. crazy. i'm sorry because this will probably make you just a little upset, but i just had to tell you. i had to. i'm sure you'll have a bittersweet moment when you read this, whenever that may be. . . i love you oh so very very much. and then i introduced myself to this other girl named jamie. . i think. shoot. oh well. i'm going to start talking to all the girls that may jerk-ish roommates have been talking to and totally steal what little thunder they have. . . bahahaha. payback, bitches. probably not the best idea. but. you know. i don't care if they hate me. i mean i do, but at this point the only way i could get them to not hate me is to totally bow to their idiotic ways and let them think that they are smarter or better than me in any way. but i can't do that. . . i just can't.

I hate. . . Unfortunately.

I hate. . . Lowercase letters that are in places where an uppercase letter should be. I hate. . . Hip Hop/ R&B and the dancing and people that go along with it. I hate. . . Feeling this need to tell everyone the things that I hate. I hate. . . Remembering you and your lies. I hate. . . Forgetting the good and not the bad. I hate. . . the scars my blade has created solely because of you. I hate. . . Well, recently I hate just about everything. I hate. . . How much you think you can say what is right and what is wrong. I hate. . . The things that you do in secret, and the way you judge people for the same. I hate. . . How fake you are. I hate. . . You.