Unfiltered (A Guest Post)

     Hi... this is -- well, me. I'd prefer to write anonymous at this point, simply because... well I don't know who all reads this blog, or who all will read it and it's just kind of to protect myself. I don't know, I'm a bit paranoid, I suppose.
Moving swiftly on...
Thank you Frederik for letting me vent here for you. I don't have anywhere to vent accept my own private writings and I believe there's something freeing about ranting publicly... at least hopefully.

     I'm in love. It's not a new feeling, or an invention. I'm sure it's something that you've experienced once or twice, many great people in history have been this way... in love, that is.
But I fail to believe that anyone anywhere has ever been in love like this... accept maybe Christ and His adoration for the church -- which I believe is a very good sign, that I'm learning to love as He did. I think that's healthy, safe even. Though nothing about this love of mine seems safe.

     You see, I love him even when his words are supposed to hurt me. Even when I'm supposed to be angry, or even entertain the feeling hate. I still love him -- I want to know everything that goes through his mind, every feeling and every thought not because I'm trying to control him -- I'd never dream of doing that, but because it comforts me. I rant and ramble and complain to him alot. He's heard me cry more than anyone else ever has, he knows more than anyone in my life has ever known about me, and knowing that he trusts me to do the same brings a sense of safety to my heart.

     I'm obsessed, fascinated, and memorized by his every action... because I admire them. I'm enthralled with his every thought because they're beautiful. He's beautiful, he's amazing... he's an enigma. I've always wanted to be an enigma... longed to hold some sort of mystery. But I'm to open for that nonsense. Instead I fell in love with an enigma. He's the most amazing person I've ever known --  didn't know it when I first met him. I thought he was a loser actually. I thought he was an OCD, jerk... but I'm okay saying that now because I know now that I was wrong. I could have never guessed, even after we became close friends, what was on the inside of him. The passion he holds, the love he shows, the emotion he exposes, the care he gives... it sounds to good to be true, trust me -- I wake up every morning expecting it to all be unreal, a dream. But it's real.
    
     One day he's going to ask me to marry him and I'm going to say yes... one day soon. Between now and then I'll continue to love him endlessly, and know that he loves me the same, if not more.

     If you're reading this, I love you my darling. I love you with everything in me. But I don't have to say that because you know. You're so sure and positive about us. That's what keeps me going... don't ever stop caring about me, looking after me, and taking responsibility for me. It will never get old, and I will never hate it. Even if I am mistaken about my feelings, promise you'll never stop. Because I won't.
I was thinking about how much I love you... and how "love" is a beautiful word, but how it's been so distorted I never feel okay with just saying that and leaving it there... so I googled the definition for love, and the synonyms... under the synonyms were silly little words like fondness and predilection. Under predilection however, I found the word... weakness. And I stopped... and I stared...and I reminded myself to breath... and I had a revelation.

     I love you.... I'm weak... I'm not strong when it comes to loving you. Let me explain; who I am doesn't take control. Who we are does. I'm not longer wrapped in my own world, but our world. I'm no longer stubborn, I'm willing -- I'm not longer scared, I'm comforted. I'm not trying to stand my ground and be strong and survive this, I'm happily weak -- weak under the weight of your love. Trusting you to carry me.
And I know that you'll never let me fall.