Mulish

             I feel like it's necessary to have a post with a title that's one word and the word has to be like looked up by the multitude of the people that read my blog. Only, that's unlikely to happen because you, Bleah, seem extremely intelligent. And plus, it would be simple to just open up a new tab and go to dictionary.com or something and look up the word "mulish". Honestly, I'm not even sure how to pronounce it. . . Now I'm sure. hahaha. Man, I need a shower, I ran two miles earlier and just got back when I sat down and started writing this. Therefore, I am extremely sweaty and. . ugh.

           And she says I'm sooo cute. I don't understand her logic. Jane, YOU are the cute one!!! It's YOU it's always been you!!! :D I love her muchness. . . I'm thinking about writing serious blogs. What do you think? Maybe I start another blog? I don't know, you tell me. I guess. It would be much more planned and I owuld probably start actually including pictures in my bloggings. . .Whatever. Tootles.

IT WAS RAINING!!!!!

So to many people rain is a bad thing. A cliche from depressing movies or a reason to curl up into a ball and just wallow in self pity. Well to me, rain is the best thing ever. Rain brings life, especially here where it hasn't rained in like 5 months. Granted, when I'm sleeping and it begins to rain I sleep all the more, but rain just makes me happy, it makes the day go by faster or slower, depending on how you look at it, because it makes it dark outside. My mom just washed her car though. Bad news.

     Greetings from like a week or two after it rained. ummm. . . I don't know why I never posted this. . . but welllllllll. here you go.  

Pack up And Go.

Listening to: Nocturne in E- flat Major No. 2 by Chopin 
       
          Stop it. Just stop it now! Just because you have the opportunity to make me feel like a total ass after your day hasn't exactly been the best! I know I'm a great listener and I know that I usually help you out, but when I... When I ask you to stop, You stop. When I am in a ball covering my face trying to hide my tears, You stop. What kind of a monster are you!? Since when was this a sport? Sure, I've recovered and my tears have dried. My scars have long since healed, but you act like nothing EVER happened. You act like just because you said "I'm sorry" you can expect me to be like you, to act like I forgot about everything.

        I'm here to set you straight, girl. If you ever come near me or her again. If you ever come at me like that again I will turn your life into such hell that You won't know what hit you. You'll want to be dead by the time I'm halfway through with you. You'll wish you never messed with me. You'll wish you never even met me. And I'll look you in the eyes just to see the sheer terror that comes with living your life as filthy as you will. Leave. Us. Alone. Pack up and go.

I quit.

So I was just outside smoking and my neighbor is elderly, she's like 80 and like yea. And I was thinking about what it would be like when I was old and I imagined me with all my grandchildren and I saw my wife, Jane, and we were there and I realized that. . . I was smoking, and out of all the things I do that are bad for me this is like the only one that actually is bad for my health and I saw into the future again and I was already dead by the time I was eighty. I couldn't handle not being able to see my grand kids and. . . I stopped. The smell made me sick. My head suddenly hurt. I put it out. Threw it away and flushed the rest of the pack. I'm done. I quit.

Where is My mind?

Listening to: Where is My Mind by The Pixies

               This song is a great reminder of my favorite movie ever Fight Club. At the end when all the buildings are blowing up this song starts playing and it's funny coz the main character, Tyler Durden, was a psychopath and he literally lost his mind. Yea. . . I need more pens. . ugh. I've been writing with crappy replacements for like a week almost. LAME. 

           Jane finally called, everything's o.k.  Her Dad is going to be fine. I'm sure the one of you that reads this prayed for him and for that I thank you :) Bleah, what a lovely unique name. I'm guessing it's pronounced:(Blaya)And if so, that's really pretty. My girlfriends name is a classic :) Jane. Like from Pride and Prejudice or something :)

I really want a good steak right now. . . Odd, random I know. But that's me, later, Imma go get the grill ready.
Haha, it's really just my stove, but I like to believe I have a grill in my apartment.

HEY MAN!!! Look at Me Rocking Out!!!

           So it turns out that Relient K has a new CD out. it's a cover album. interesting. I shall listen and probably throw up because they SUCK now. . . It's in the p.m. now, surprise surprise. I very rarely post in the mid-day hours, I think. . . All I know is that I really really need some sleep. This morning I had a freaking class about. . something i don't even remember. I don't remember the name of it, but it's a class not having to do with my English major. It was a computer class, because that's another one of my main interests, and I needed another credit or two. And I love and am quite good with computers.

Listening to: Radio, Video by System of a Down

           I'd like some chocolate right now. Anyway, I need some freaking gas in my car. And before that I need some freaking money. hahaha. I need to go cash my paycheck like really really soon :D Because I'm a boss and I work and I get MONEY! :) I really want to by me a guitar . . . I've always wanted to be a musician. . . like my sister. Well all she does is play the piano and she quit when she was young. She was really good though, she played for a long time and started really young. She also tried her hand at the drums. . .that didn't really work out to well.

TTFN

Blows my Mind.

For the love of. . . last night. . I couldn't sleep *echo* I couldn't sleep... I was in so much pain because of my knee it was unbelievable. I just wanna chop it off sometimes.

Listening to: Paranoid Android by Radiohead
     
I'm so scared of what might happen. I woke up to late to find out if everything was o.k. sorry, Jane. I hope she'll get around to calling me later. She's at work now, and I can't call her to find out if her dad is going to be o.k. She didn't even have to go to work, but she did, because well she's amazing and she always does what she believes to be right. I guess that would also classify her as being a little stubborn, but that's part of why I love her so much!

Galatians 5:1
   "Its is for freedom that Christ has set us free. Stand firm, then, and do not let yourselves be burdened again by a yoke of slavery."

          I'm so happy to know that Jesus has set me free simply to be free. To be free to live for Him. To be free to love Him. To be free to have a life and not feel obligated to love God, but at the same time, wanting only to love Him. Blows my mind.

 Listening to: So Sorry by Feist


It's a cool 72 degrees here in Boston. I'm not actually outside, I just know this because of this nifty little thing on my computer. Anyway.

"We're so helpless; slaves to our impulses we're afraid of our emotions and no one knows where the shore is; we're divided by the ocean and the only thing I know is the answer isn't for us the answer is. not. for us... I'm sorry, two words that I always think of after you've gone and I realize that I was acting all wrong."

She is so perfect. From my point of view she has never done anything wrong. Any fight we've ever had, has always been my fault. Anything that's ever gone wrong between us could have been prevented by me. It's so simple.

Happy

I'm happy knowing that you are mine, the grass is greener on the other side. The more I think the more I wish that we could lay here for hours and just reminisce. I'm trying to put into words, just like Cristofer Ingle, how happy I feel because of her. I know that I'm so happy and so in love with her, but The words just aren't coming anymore. Am I really cut out to be a writer? After only a couple months I've already lost words to express how incredible she makes me feel. I hope it's only because I've actually exhausted every word in the English language having to do with how much one could possibly love another. I know I haven't so I'm going to go ahead and do actual looking around for more of these words. I know that I have a large vocabulary, because I'm a genius, but, I know that my vocabulary doesn't have enough words in it for her.

Like a Biscuit.

mmmmm. cleaning my apartment. lovely love. I do enjoy cleaning. Well, I enjoy the end result so much that the act of it is definitely worth it. I'm not like my brother who refuses to clean pretty much anything. He lives on his own too and I was just in his apartment this last week. He's in Boston, too. Anyway, I'm not CURRENTLY cleaning. I'm taking a little break. I have so much junk. I'm also still unpacking so this is taking close to all day. Now I'm watching Dexter and eating Ritz crackers. These things are AMAZING!!! they're so flaky and yummy. it's like a biscuit, seriously. I'm actually listening to Jimi Hendrix right now. whatabeast!!! :D Like a Biscuit.

TTFN

Dries Clear!

Well good morning. Good morrow, sire. How doth your heart fair? Is it heavy or weak? Cold or hard? What bothersome quarrels have you tied up today, sire. Tell me, for I wish to give my hand in aid to your problems.

Listening to: Radiohead/nevershoutnever/foxyshazam. Wolf at the door, I love you more..., and connect me.
           
             Today, I was reading a love letter from someone special. It was an old letter from an old relationship. It was a long, heart-felt, random, amazing, the list goes on and on. This letter is what I read whenever I'm feeling lonely. Which may be odd, since I have her, but like I've said before I can't find anymore words to express how much I love her. And so, even though I have her, and I know that I do, I feel lonely because I can't touch her or kiss her. I can't greet her everyday with a hug. I'm so jealous of everyone that gets to see her everyday. It sounds silly, I'm sure, but that's just how I feel. I miss her smile so much. Pictures don't do it justice, and the ones I have I took while she was mid-sentence and she's making silly faces. All the same, the pictures are all I have, but they don't cut it. I miss her. I'm about to just up and drive across state to see her. I'll do it, I swear. But then I won't, because I'm in school and I have a job and my parents would murder me and. . .UGH!. FML

             1,2,3,4 tell me that you love me more; sleepless, long nights; that is what my youth was for. Jane, I love you more than you love me. I love you more than my lawn outside needs water. I love you more than I want to breathe. I would use my last breath to tell you I love you, if I had to choose between loving you and breathing.

            So, tomorrow, my dad is going to Texas. He's going to San Antonio for something. I don't even know what for. Honestly, my dad's job is a bit of a mystery to me. I know that he writes (that runs in the family) but I'm not sure like what for or who for. Or. . . Idunno. Anyway he invited me to go with him but I, of course had to say no. My good 'ole dad forgets sometimes that I have job and junk and he forgets, without my mom present, how mad he'd be at me if I skipped school or work. Even if I was with him. Silly old man.

  TTFN!!!

The guy whose still deciding what his signature should be,

Frederik. 

1. The thought of dying alone.
2. The thought of living alone.
3. The thought of getting what I deserve. 
4. The thought of losing the ones I love.  

              This is the list of my top fears. The actual fears. Not the silly ones like spiders or the dark. (I'm only actually scared of spiders; but not for long.) These are the things that if they ever happened I would be lost forever and ever. I would be o.k. through the first one. The second one would bring tears. The third would bring a deep depression. And if the fourth ever happened I would die.

              Am I here to complete her? Is she here to complete me?  Are we both here to complete each other? Why have I ever tried anyone or anything else? This, her, us, it just makes everything else seem totally pointless.
                

"I was born to tell you I love you. I am torn to do what I have to; to make you mine, stay with me tonight."

             I swear you need to know now, you need to know who I am by now.

            

So Sorry.

       Now you've returned to me and I can't stop smiling. I don't know what to say. What to type. What to think. You have been thinking about our conversation for days though, I can tell. I can't begin to comprehend why you feel this me about me. Your every thought concerns me. I know because you've told me these things. You've let me see into your mind and you've told me what your thoughts are. I can't clear my mind enough. You're distracting to me and yet I can't seem to think of what to say about you. I've run out of words for you, Love. All I want to do is hold you now. All I want to do is kiss you and just. Do. Nothing.


        I'm sorry I've run out of ways to tell you that I love you. I only know how to show you. I started doing that by starting this blog. It's only a matter of time before you... well. Actually I think I may hide this for a very long time. And for that I must say way in advance. In a few years when you read every single one of my posts I must apologize for my future self. I love you and I'm sorry. So Sorry.

Inner Peace.

Listening to: The Water by Feist.

Stop. Just stop everything. 

I've never wanted anything more in my life than to close my eyes, listen to my music and just. Stop. Everything. My life, my character has always been so fast paced. I don't know how to stop and listen. I know He speaks to me but I'm so busy and antsy that I always miss that still, small voice. I should probably be somewhere else doing something that matter. 

Listening to: 1234 by Feist

And suddenly, I feel the urge to maybe up and leave everything I've known and love. Just so I can have a year to focus on Him. So maybe I can realize what it is He really wants for me. I know what I want, sure. Someone once said that as long as you are honoring God in whatever you do, you will be blessed. So maybe I should just move on with my life and as I do continuously honor Him. Yea, that sounds good. I'm good now. I've found my Inner Peace.

 

So Soon?

Everything is awesome now. Everything is in it's right place. Everything is O.K. Everything is as it should be and I am happy. I have my love back and I don't have a care in the world at the moment. I'm listening to some Feist and everything is awesome!! I have her on the other side of this phone call and I have you people (person) at the other end of this post. I don't why what I've done to deserve such amazingness. Honestly, God what did I do to deserve her? I am so thankful for her, don't get me wrong, I just want to know why this happened to me. So soon?

Nike it.

I have only a few more minutes to get myself together now that I'm a bit on the less busy side and therefore the I NEED YOU NOW!!!! feelings have bubbled up to the forefront of my mind.

I breath a little bit like this:

Inhale

........

Remember!!!

Exhale.

Inhale

.......

Exhale.

Sometimes I scare myslef when I forget how to breathe.

And sometimes I forget that I have good damn reason to breathe. Now I'm remembering that I have to pull my shit together and just do this thing. 

Goodbye for Now.

Call me. Please. Please Call me, I'm begging you. I need to hear your voice for a certain period of time each day and I need to know whats been bothering you, my love. Yet you won't, because you have no idea who you are and you don't even read these stupid things. Why would you? they are pointless and stupid. Well. Maybe just pointless, not necessarily stupid. At best, text me or leave me a voice message. Preferably a voice message. Anyway. Again I apologize for my lack of posts today. I'm extremely busy and I have no way of getting out of said business. My father is, to say the least, a bit overbearing. Especially on the weekends. Especially around company and other family. So goodbye for now.

What a day. Sorry, for those who care, that I haven't been around today. I was just busy as hell which is very very odd for me, as I'm sure you've gathered by now. To be honest I'm so tired I don't even feel like typing any more than this. so goodnight.

Untitled

You've caught me off guard. Now I'm running and screaming. I go crazy when I sit back and think about how much she loves me. You, yes you. I can't feel my tongue. I forget how to breathe. I gasp for air but my lungs have lost there ability to filter out the oxygen. It doesn't make sense to me. If you can explain this to me, anyone, anyone please tell me why I feel these things and why it is that she makes me so insanely happy. What good reason could she possibly have for loving me so? Am I really that awesome? Did God really break the mold when he made me? I'm sure someone thinks so. How easily two hearts can be melded together. How lovely the fragrance created can be (created is typed all with the left hand. cooooolio.)

Too Lazy to Think of Something Witty to put

Why good morning. Yes yes I know, I should be asleep. I've changed my mind, I'm entitled to it! I'm once again eating Cap'n Crunch and watching Dexter :D How I love both of these things ever so much. But I miss her so Damn much!!!! It's so uncool how terribly I control my girlish emotions. . . I'm so damn sensitive. I got a hair in my cereal. Gross. All I know is this cereal is fantastic and that my hair is actually really awesome even though it's short at the moment. I've managed to do some awesome things with it either way, because I'm a beast like that because there a few things about being so sensitive that are really awesome. Starting with my awesome sense of fashion. The terrible things are like that I have terrible control over my emotions and I get way to close to people that I shouldn't get close to. I get emotionally involved in like everything I do and everything that I do I take under such damn scrutiny that I always end up thinking way to much. Damnit, Matthew, I swear I would have written over thinking had you not done it!!! I very much enjoy the sound of typing. Actually only my typing because every one else's typing is just damn annoying because I'm the only person in the world that types at the right tempo and stuff. Man, I'm awesome. hahahaha. I'm such a brat.

SpongeBob

So it's official. Only about a day of this and I'm already tired of only having one follower. So you, Bleah, whoever you are you seem to have a number of followers so it would be great if you could possibly direct some of that traffic this way :) I would sure love to make more people laugh. Also, if you're reading this and you aren't following me. Shame on you. that is all. Good night. For real this time.

Darkly Dreaming Dexter

Dexter is quite a fantastic show. I must admit that the fifth season isn't as good as I'd hoped, though. I like this whole random pointless blogging thing. I very rarely actually address important things but hey, it's my damn blog, not yours ;) I love staying up late. It is truly amazing! :D But it doesn't go over very well at all with my parents. Good old mom and pop. I can't believe I wasn't born in the U.S. I'll never be able to be the president of the good 'ole U.S.A. Bummer, and I was so looking forward to replacing the late great Bamster. However I was born in Manchester for reasons unknown to me seeing as how my birth mother was American. Whatever. Goodnight.

whatever or whatever.

        Whatever is a damn fun word. I think. You're welcome. so very very welcome. Snap back to reality, look its b-rabbit. . . Eminem is an interesting fellow. Very interesting, just like this person I'm on the phone with presently, but interesting in a really freaking awesome way. Like wow, I LOVE YOU SO MUCH!, that kind of interesting. And now you are gone and I can resume my typing, only not REALLY gone just absent at the moment from the other side of this telephone call. Which reminds me, I have to go say goodnight to my parents. so. . . Damn hurry up and get back. And just like that she has to go ;) I'll return shortly to finish this.

TTFN- ta-ta for now

Back with a bowl of cap'n crunch and a hankering for some Dexter :D So off I go watching Dexter and eating Cap'n Crunch.

Nothing ever. not ever not once has hit me so hard in my entire life!

breathe

Inhale.

Exhale.

I'm packing to go to college! It's not for like another month, but man is this intense. I. wow. I was about to put some linens into my "linens" bag and then I realized that wow. I'm putting this in my bag and when I take it out to use it, it will be in my dorm! Holy freak! Man. Oh man. Oh, freaky freaky epiphany. Someone needs to come wrap her arms around me and freaking hold me for ever. Good thing is, this move brings me MUCH closer to her. So yea. I'm never going to live for longer than a summer under my parents roof again. I am at a loss of words (no I'm not, I hate it when people do this right here. Exactly what I'm doing. I hate it.) HOLY CRAP WHAT AM I DOING!?

Computer with a K!

God, I need a new computer. Mine is driving me insane. Granted it's like 5 or 6 years old. O.k. well it has run a damn good course and for a 5 year old laptop it is working wonders, I'm not going to lie. I put windows seven in it and yea. I'm a computer guy. Well sometimes at least, because most of the time being the computer guy amongst a bunch of people who have no idea what the hell they are doing is really aggravating. "Frederik, fix this or show me how to. . . " and then they end up paying absolutely no attention whatsoever and are like well will this work? or how about this? No, damnit, I'm trying to show you how. haha. oh. . .gooood times. I suppose. My hair is soft. My room is a wreck. Also, something that I just got reminded of because I wrote my name, is that people ALWAYS misspell my name. It's actually not that hard. Well, it is a little odd, the spelling is. I like to say that it's the "cool" spelling because any name that has a k in place of a c or ck is just plain freaking awesome!

Blasphemy

Your attempts at mockery are juvenile. Anything you say or do can't be used against me in my own mind. I'm to strong for that shit. Honestly did you ever think that what you say would make a difference in my mind? Or change the way that I think about her? Or how much I love her?

                  So, Obviously I'm talking to someone. Someone that will never ever read this. Well. maybe some day but not any time soon to where I would still be feeling these things. Both of my parents are out of the house. My dad's playing golf and my mom is. . . where is she? oh yea. taking all of our family's clothings for my aunts wedding to the dry cleaners. I noticed that there are a lot of weddings going on in September. This is surely going to be not fun. Weddings are not usually fun for me. Since I can't drink because lately, all of my family's weddings have been in the U.S.A. And everyone there is like "my age" but then not. People that I don't know assume that I'm like mid 20's and like try and have good adult wedding style fun. (ugghhh. I can't type right now. I've had to correct my words like a trillion times.) Then  my Mom comes over and ruins everything. My dad typically doesn't care but when my mom addresses it to my dad he like has to care or whatever and the rest of my time spent at said event ends up absolutely aweful :/ blasphemy.

Blistex Complete Moisture.

I love dressing up soooo much!!! It's fantastic. So that "damn suit" is no longer damned. It's actually quite amazing. Like reallly freaking nice. It's an Alfanti. Yummy yumminess. seriously dressing up is like my most favorite thing to do. like ever. Well not really. There's someone's lips that I enjoy much more than anything in the world. However they are quite hard to get to, physically, as she lives states away. No worries though because I know that very soon, in a matter of months actually, we will be together for ever and ever. And ever. My room is such a damn mess. It needs much cleaning. I have a quite nice room whenever I actually clean it. Especially since I have a good sense of fashion/design and organization, things that I actually get around to cleaning turn out very very well.

The University of Texas at Austin

What an interesting day. I woke up at like 11:00 a.m. earlier than usual and I got some awesome awesome food from my momma at like 1:00. I have to clean my room. ugghhh :/ I don't wanna. I'll probably just do a half-assed job and then continue with my plans for today. which would be showering, rearranging the shotgun shells in our armory of a closet downstairs, then probably just doing nothing in my room like I do. So expect a lot of posts today because I'll be locked away in my castle hoping for prince charming (that would be my future of leaving this place) to get here way sooner then planned. Time to get to work and try my damn suit on. . . greattttttt

Hey, Where's Perry?

So I was about ready to watch me some good 'ole fashion Phineas and Ferb and while I was waiting for said good 'ole fashion show, there was this little bit about some family with four daughters (no, the FAMILY didn't have daughters, you know what I mean, don't be stupid) and all four daughter played ice hockey and I was watching it and then I realized that I really didn't care about it at all and so I changed it, but then I changed it back quite promptly because I remembered I was waiting for Phineas and Ferb. So I got to thinking. . . How many things do we do that we could honestly care less about to get to things that we do care about. For me, I could use this very blog as an example. Sure, I could care less how many people end up reading my blog day in and day out, but in the end if this helps me get closer to her, which I don't see how it could, then it will all be worth it. See, when you care about something enough to think about not only what is right for you but what is right for others, then you have truly learned what sacrifice is. The ultimate sacrifice would be that of God and/or Jesus. God sacrificed His son and Jesus His life. Of course, no one rightfully expects us to give up something of such monumental proportions but we each have something that could be sacrificed. Maybe if you love someone you sacrifice certain relationships or certain things for this person and through these sacrifices you are showing your love for that person. I ramble don't I. . . Till next timmmmeeeee.

pwning teh noobs

Why is it that System of a Down is so awesome? I'll never know. At any rate, I'm going to head back downstairs and play some more video games. It's something I do quite well and could very well get a job at machinima if I really wanted to. However, I think me and my future spouse would kill me if I ever ended up in Cali. So I'm just going to stick to my writing. Awesome sauce. . . Now, total change in music, I'm listening to Happy by Never Shout Never. Makes ME so happy. I can't lie I really do envy Cris. . ."I'm happy knowing that you are mine, the grass is greener on the other side". I just left the computer for like five minutes to write something down in my ACTUAL journal. I am generally against online blogging/journal keeping but what the hell, It seems fun and plus she (Anytime I say she its always the nameless love of my life) loves blogging and stuff. yea. anyway. pwning teh noobs time.

Why hello there

I'm sure that by now I've already had many many posts, but I didn't really know how else to start something like this. Or really start anything at all without saying hello. My name is Frederik as you've guessed by now. I write for ever and ever. I usually stick to writing only on paper, but someone very special to me inspired me to do this. I doubt she'll find out for a very long time though.This is, at best, a lame attempt to get someone's attention even though she will not know who she is until she knows many other things (Yes I'm being secretive on purpose and yes 'she' is the same aforementioned 'she'.) I'm sure in a matter of minutes I will add a much more interesting post. For now I'm just trying to figure this out and see if I can get this to actually NOT be lame. . .