False Hope. Sorry.

     It's been a whole at least 24 hours since my last post. I'm terribly sorry. I'm watching a movie at this exact second. So in a few minutes when it's over I'm going to listen to some Feist and write. Write because she deserves my fingertips to be bleeding and disfigured from typing so damn much.

     I'll hang up the phone in anger and agree to never talking to you again... But I'd be lying. I could say that I'm totally o.k. with saying "fuck all" and just pretend like we never happened after a 3-month long grieving period. I'm not really sure why I said that. o.k. I think I'm beginning to understand why. I said that all because if that happened I'd cry. I would cut. I would become a terrible terrible person and nobody would like me. Instead of shining and brightening people's day I would be dark and depressing. Honestly this lone paragraph is depressing enough but it can't even come close to how depressing I would be. Also, honestly this paragraph isn't really all that awesome, but I'm going to make up for it. I swear.

     Just a little bit more of depressing stuff because now, like almost three hours later. I have long since finished that movie, and episode of walking dead and an episode of Game of Thrones. I have also had a small terrible, terrible dream. For a very long while now my knee has hurt something fierce and lately it's just been getting worse and worse. When we first discovered my knee pains, we went to a doctor and junk and he said that at the worst it could be cancer. I knew that it wasn't cancer though. It still hurt terribly and I couldn't finish my year of football. So I had a terrible dream and in the dream I got very sick and long story short, after I died, Jane left me.

     It was the worst worst dream or thought or anything of the sort to have been my displeasure to slither into my mind while I was deep in REM cycle. Now, after I had this dream I had the amazing amazing pleasure of talking to Jane for. . about 2 hours until like 4'oclock in the morning :) It was an amazing talk. The only bad part, however was when I told her about said dream and I cried and she cried and yea. It didn't feel very good, but it felt so fantastic afterwards knowing that I told her and all was well and I still had her and I know nothing so ridiculous as that will ever ever happen. For I know that God loves me, her and us.
     I miss her, that I do. Despite staying up very late into the morning nearly every day, I miss her so much. Her voice is fantastic. Her voice is heart-warming and heart-felt. She means everything she says and says everything that needs to be said. She encourages me to be honest and open, she encourages me to tell her all, painful as it may sometimes be. When I tell her, I know that she will always the the right words and she will always love me. No matter what happens I know that she will always always always. . never ending, INFINITY, until eternity ends, ALWAYS always love me. And I will always love her so much that at times I feel like this should be some sort of sin or illegal maybe even, because I can't control myself when I'm thinking about her. I feel like I'm on some sort of drug and I have this high/drunk feeling and perhaps if I happened to be driving at that point in time I might crash and kill many people.

     I'm rambling, I know. I'm in a very very odd mood right now. I'm typing faster than I have ever typed in my entire life and my computer can't keep up with the words I'm dishing out.See, I used dishing out in a normal sentence structure. Surely I must be sick or something. Right? This isn't normal is it? Is it? I don't think so. I am jack's conquered, tired and broken life. I thought that this post was going to be a giant love letter to you, Jane. I'm sorry I kinda screwed it up. Most of this is old news, just like the previous post. So don't look to far into it. . . I love you.