what grew. . . what grew. . . and inside who. first so simple was the vow, then the chorus sang aloud. . . What grew. What grew inside of me to make me so. when and by who was the seed planted. how come I can't shake it? How come it seems impossible to make you go away? It's impossible. your name makes physically ill, even now. I'm ill. as I type. I hold down whatever it is I just ate, I can't even remember. What did you do to me, felicity? How did you do what you did. I don't understand any of it. And I don't. . .
want to because then I would have to deal with it. That's why when. . . All you gave me was a hug. I don't even know if you said anything. I don't. Remember if you said anything. my tears and sobbing must have muffled all other voice. well. . sobbing. more like bawling. I bawled in the arms of the one I loved and the one I thought loved me for a good five second over a year ago. Almost two years. I still remember what she was wearing. I till remember. Exactly where it happened. I remember how I ran from my dorm to you to try to fix everything . . . and how I sulked back to where I stayed up all night still clinging to your jacket. I remember how Miranda talked to me and cried with me and regretted not telling me about you. I remember how I asked her to hate you with me for just a little bit. And she said she wished she could. I remember how she said she wished she came with us. I remember how you, felicity, asked me to go with you and then you left me alone. On more than one occasion. On more than two occasions. I'm bitter maybe. but tonight my emotions have been stirred and above all others, the ones I get concerning you are the most painful. I cried and Jeremy came down from his bunk and sat on mine and listened to Linkin Park with me. heh. I remember one of my black friends who was next to me who just stared at me as I cried. All. Night. Long.

What grew? What grew in me in that laundromat? How did you get it there even before then, Jane? how did you make me fall for you even before I talked to you for the first in a year? How did you plant that seed on my heart. What grew to make you love me back? what grew to make you want me and none other? what grew to make us so perfect? I remember when we got walked in on, twice. I remember when I said it's time and took both of us completely off guard. I remember when I made you upset and you thought we were done and I brought you pizza. I remember when you sat me down on that pick-nick table and I thought you were through with me. I remember more than you think. I just really really like it when you tell me. I remember comforting you long before when he was hurting you. I remember and still have the card you made for me on my birthday. I remember when Caleb came and dissed our latex glove balloons. I remember when you came back. again again. not the first time you came back, but the second. How I was scared to touch you because I thought she might be around and how you complained of it later and made me feel like total crap. I remember when I left earlier than most. and you cried and as we left I saw your ride pass us by. thinking to myself. Why can't we just. . be? wherever we are, we meet restrictions upon our relationship. . . I remember joking about being punished by way of crucifixion for your doings in that place.

I love you Janey Jane. Wake up.

Living in my fright

Not. . . misersaddepression a mix of miserable sad and depression. . . the feeling I get when I am in this position I'm in right now. I'm smart, so I over think. I'm funny, so sometimes I'm a complete ass.

I don't think they are jealous of me at all. I'm falling apart. I really am. My seams are popping out from the pressure that is anger that I am holding in. Jane, I love you. I can't handle you thinking that I don't. I can't handle having been gone for so long and being unable to sleep forever and ever. I don't know what it is. I can't sleep. I'm not tired. I'm not hungry. my throat hurts a bit. I just can't sleep. I need you to call me and talk to me with your voice like sweet honey hitting my ears and making my brain and thoughts sweet again. I need you my sweet love. My sweet perfect. I can't wait. for that day. whether it be the eighteenth. the seventeenth. the sixteenth. a year. Two years. I don't know. I honestly don't know. I've been gone to long. I'm sorry I've been gone so long. but I'm here. I'm back and my spark to write has been refreshed like making candles out of drippings. . . or. something.

Let Down.

      This is an interesting notion, that I love you more than you will ever know. Is that not. . . unfathomable? Just like eternity or infinity or a line. NEVER ending. Somethings we ,as humans just cannot comprehend. So even though I can not comprehend it, I will say that I love you more than you will ever know. Simply because everything that I can comprehend is not good enough for you. It's not good enough for my love for you. Maybe it's just because I'm not smart enough to comprehend something worthy of your awesomeness. I don't know, but all I know is that you will NEVER know how much I do love you.

     Either way, let me try to explain. If I had to die to keep you alive, I would. If I had to lose my hands, the tools with which I do everything of value to me to keep you safe from anything, I would. If I had to live alone so you could be happy for the rest of your life, I would. If I had to lose everything and everyone of value to me for you, I would. At the drop of a hat, I would do all these things for you.

     But now I have failed in doing what is right. I opened my damned mouth and hurt you. I'm sorry.I've let you down.

     

They are as follows

Elizabeth- My first born daughter, the apple of my eye. I am going to have an extremely hard time not spoiling this child. I will  teach her everything. She will dance, write or be a musician. I will cry the day she turns 13, then again at 16, and again at 18. Every other birthday will be tears of joy. Especially her birth day.

Jane- My second born daughter. Tough. Stands up for what she wants. Respects herself but doesn't throw away respect for others. She will be more like her mother really, not like me at all. If she was like me she couldn't be strong or anything of the sort. If she were like me she would be as sensitive as a freaking something. . . that's. . . really sensitive.

Silver Joy- Always (as her name suggests) happy. Full of God's joy. From the moment she is born she will not only be joyful and but bring joy to everyone.

Brantlee- Honestly, you would have to ask his mother. MY children... are going to be girls. LMAO. oh I'm a terrible terrible person. Honestly, if Brantlee were like me... I would be o.k. with that. Not to be conceited or anything but. . . I mean. come on. I'm awesome. Right? Anyway.

This is. . . For now how I pray my children are in the future. Only God knows if it's actually going to happen, but you know. . . yea.
    
     Sorry for my recent string of absence, I've been EXTREMELY busy. . . I love you all and thank you oh so much for still reading my bloggy blog.

I love. . . Fortunately.

I love. . . The cold; especially in places where it doesn't really belong; like San Antonio, Tx. I love. . . The smell of fresh cut grass. I love. . . seeing the biggest buck go out to eat after the sun sets. I love. . . Actual musicians. I love. . . writing so much the muscles in my hand begin to pump battery acid and my bones feel like glass. I love. . . singing while the tractor is running and nobody can hear me because, let's face it, I can't sing. I love. . . not wearing my glasses for an extended period of time and then putting them on and. . . seeing what I previously thought to have disappeared. I love. . . Getting cold to the bones and having the sun warm me but only for a minute or two because then I will sweat. I love. . . pushing the rules; not breaking just. . . almost breaking them. I love. . . a good expensive pen and some 100% cotton paper. I love . . .the stars at night on the beach. I love. . . Your hand in mine and your hair in your face, blocking from you the fact that I never look anywhere else but at you. I love. . . You in your Sunday best. I love. . . Your Toms and your absolutely adorable feet. I love. . .

complete insanity

you won't believe what happened today. i introduced myself to someone. the first girl of whom i asked her name, told her my name and shook her hand. (she offered; take it easy). her name is elizabeth. i swear. she introduced herself as lizzie, but then i was like, so that's short for elizabeth? and she said yes and. . .  i couldn't believe it, babe. it was. crazy. i'm sorry because this will probably make you just a little upset, but i just had to tell you. i had to. i'm sure you'll have a bittersweet moment when you read this, whenever that may be. . . i love you oh so very very much. and then i introduced myself to this other girl named jamie. . i think. shoot. oh well. i'm going to start talking to all the girls that may jerk-ish roommates have been talking to and totally steal what little thunder they have. . . bahahaha. payback, bitches. probably not the best idea. but. you know. i don't care if they hate me. i mean i do, but at this point the only way i could get them to not hate me is to totally bow to their idiotic ways and let them think that they are smarter or better than me in any way. but i can't do that. . . i just can't.

I hate. . . Unfortunately.

I hate. . . Lowercase letters that are in places where an uppercase letter should be. I hate. . . Hip Hop/ R&B and the dancing and people that go along with it. I hate. . . Feeling this need to tell everyone the things that I hate. I hate. . . Remembering you and your lies. I hate. . . Forgetting the good and not the bad. I hate. . . the scars my blade has created solely because of you. I hate. . . Well, recently I hate just about everything. I hate. . . How much you think you can say what is right and what is wrong. I hate. . . The things that you do in secret, and the way you judge people for the same. I hate. . . How fake you are. I hate. . . You.

Bored out of my mindddd

A. Age: Ancient; 19. 20 next year.

B. Bed size: Queen

C. Chore that you hate: Cleaning up leaves and such -.-

D. Dogs: Two back at home. I very much love most dogs and especially my dogs. Corgis.

E. Essential start to your day: Pray and. . .get dressed?

F. Favorite Color: Purple.

G. Gold or Silver? Gold, like a gangsta.


H. Height: 6'0"

I. Instruments you play: Just started the guitar

J. Job title: Student. Previous cook, busboy and ranch hand.

K. Kids: definitely one day hopefully rather soon.

L. Live: U.S.A thank you very much :) Massachusetts

M. Mother's name: Rosalie Attwood (formerly Rosalie Smith)

N. Nicknames: None, if I can help it, but the lucky few get to call me Davey.

O. Overnight hospital stays: None I don't think.

P. Pet peeves: You, chain posts, of all types and sizes and shapes. . .

Q. Quote from a movie: "I am jack's total lack of surprise." - Fight Club

R. Right or left handed: Right. What now!?!?

S. Siblings: Yesss... I'm the youngest among ricky (20) and Sarah (24)

T. Time you wake up: Around eight-ish

U. Underwear? Boxer Briefs!!

V. Vegetable you hate: Ummmmm.....  idunno PEAS. I hate peas.

W. What makes you run late? sleeep. that is all.

X. X-rays you've had: My stupid freaking knee.

Y. Yummy food that you make: Yummy yummy yummy. I make lots of italian food. Mexican and american too. I make a mean chicken Parmesan (spelling?) also, I love to bbq. namely steaks. I make. GREAT. steaks. 

ANNNDD. how could I forget desert? I make the best chocolate chip cookies in the world.

Z. Zoo animal: umm. . . Idunno. this could mean any number of things. zoo animal that I like, or don't like. zoo animal that I've seen. . . So... Imma go with... baboon. or.. monkey of sorts. . 

you are amazing because. . .

i'm doing this for you in case you didn't know. the lower case letters and such are all driving me quite insane. but it's all for you. because i love you and because you are amazing. and because you love me. and because I have to do everything in my power to give you what you deserve, for i know i don't deserve you. not in the least, do i deserve you.

because you love me. that, in itself is just unfathomable and unbelievable. besides my parents and God i have never met anybody in this world that has proven to love me so very very much. many have said the words "i love you" and may have thought to mean it. but i now know that they never meant it. at least not quite like you do, my love.

because your vocabulary not only impresses me but inspires me. it makes me think and the way you write lets me know that you don't just go into the dictionary and say "imma use that word in a sentence". you know your stuff, kiddo. i love you for your intelligence and your wit. you are smarter than me, this i truly believe.

because you make me happy, whether you know it or not. you make me smile, my love. you make me the happiest person alive and i can't stop smiling as long as i think back to you telling me how much you love me. thank you oh so much for that, my love.

because you are understanding. you've found out things about me that no on in the world knows, not even my psychiatrist, and it doesn't phase you one bit. you still love me; you truly do love me with an unconditional love, as i do.

because you are beautiful. you aren't who everyone else thinks you should be, and i admire you extremely for that. because you are beautiful and you make no effort to be. you are so natural in everything you do. oh how i love you, babe.

because i can come to you with anything and you will love me and take care of me. if i cry you comfort me, if i bleed, you tell me you love me. you don't try to change me or make me better by any means. you love me for who i am.

because you are a gift and you let me know from the start that this is on purpose and that this is for real. for ever.

because you find me funny. and i find you funny. you make me laugh and you laugh with me. not at me like most would. 

because you are handling this so well. 

because you are mine.

because even now you are staying and even though i have done the same in the past, i can't imagine how you are doing this. i can't imagine i went through worse than this is for you.

I. Love. You.

I know this may be premature but baby, I love you.
Every move that you make and every breath that you take sets my teeth on edge.
I've grown too accustomed to you and your perfection. The rest of the world just doesn't cut it.
I can't live here without you.
Now though, I don't doubt that you will be there when I return,
So I am at peace being here, even though for you, I yearn.

     And Jane, I know your feelings may be a bit harsh, if not, pain-filled towards this situation and I'm sorry. there is nothing I can do about it, really :( All I can do is sit/stand here and tell you how much I love you. And I do. I do love you oh so very much. I'm done trying to fix you. I'm done trying. I will do what I can do for you and not try anything else because when I do, I fail, miserably.

     This is just for you. All for you and no one else. I. Love. You.

Climbing up The Walls

     I'm earthbound for the foreseeable future. So why not ensure that my life here will be good? Why can't I stop hurting those I love? Why can't I just live a life of truth. Well no more, No more. I am living a life where everyone knows who I really am, and where the one that I love doesn't have a reason to not trust me and a reason to tell me, when I ask her what she's thinking, that she's thinking she hates me and doesn't believe a word I've ever told her. I DO love her. I DO. I can't stop crying. I can barely fight the urge to cut myself, but I have to, and I'm going to because I told her I would. And I will stop cutting.

     I'm sorry. I need to write another "I'm sorry" post I've never been so sorry in my life. Today, earlier today, all I did for about 4 hours was think to myself  "I'm sorry, So Sorry." And then I would sing parts of that song by Feist. That song being the namesake of my "So Sorry" posts.

     I started this as a draft like more than a week ago and I honestly can't remember what it's about. At any rate, here it is, sorry for my absence. 

Adios, Se Vaya con Dios.

     I've already left your world. Just absolutely gone. God has taken to me to such better places. I'm just all giddy with the knowledge that God has loved me and allowed me to be His child and his servant. Where I was just this morning in my life and my walk with God is absolutely nothing compared to where I am now in God and through God. I love Him and I know that I know that I know that He loves me. And. . I could go on and on about this, I really could. I promise I could go on and on and on. And I will until I finally calm down and just decide to write whatever I did with my day again like I used to. Or. . about absolutely random, random things. I only write with purpose when I'm writing a song or poem. Trust me, that's enough purposeful writing for anyone. I'm a poet. and a writer and... stuff.

     I have just returned home from an amazing amazing church service :D I do indeed heart church of all shapes and sizes. I saw a few good friends of mine from this past summer and that was good. Had a good late night snack (chick-fil-a) and yea. yummy yumminess. I guess I'll just put this up now. . hu? Just so I can have a post for today. 

    

Straight Up

    I've been rambling and rambling and babbling about. Everything. To myself and this computer, that is. Out there. I've only been saying enough to let everyone know that I'm alive. That's it. It's not me. This isn't me at all. I'm not being Frederik Attwood. I'm not being ME! I'm. In a new place right now and I don't like it. It's not that I can't handle change. I can, I can handle all around me that's changed. It's not the change I can't handle it's the. . . lack of you. I suppose. It's the false sense of fear I get that when I get back to being me and back home. you won't be there. It. Sucks. I have to go.

     I'm back and feeling much better. The glory of God is an amazing amazing thing. Today, something clicked inside of me and I don't know exactly what it was, all I know is that it was God. He did something amazing for me. He is. Breathtaking. So very breathtaking. I can't stop thinking about God. I can't stop thanking Him for all he has done. God loves me. Awesome isn't it? Indeed it is, I'll tell you straight up.

     I have yet to find the words. I'm sorry. So Sorry.

GRRRR

     If it were up to me... You wouldn't be alive. Honestly, I can't even begin to fathom why you're here. Sorry. I'm sorry, I take that back. God has a purpose for you. He does, indeed He does. I almost, I really did almost write this entire blog like the first two sentences and wasn't even going to acknowledge God's presence in. . . this. *sigh*. I love Radiohead, that I do.

     What I hate is this freaking slow beyond slow wifi connection. Oh my goodness it is sooo infuriating. GRRR

HM?

     I can never be as eloquent as you need me to be. My heart races at the FACT that I'm not the best thing there is and you could do much better than me. I'm weak. I'm crying. I'm shaking. I don't. Know how to cope. I know I said I was gone but, the reasons I started this blog in the first place are once again resurfacing and turning up their nasty little heads. I need someone to hear this. I need someone to see this. My pain is that YOU will be one the other side reading. You are practically the only one who reads now, I'm sure. 

     I'm so weak it makes me sick. So sick. I'm sick. I'm angry. I need a blade. Thank God I'm not that weak anymore. I can't. I'm so sorry, but I can't. I won't throw things or show any signs of anger, at least not now. Not here. Maybe soon I'll be back home on my own and I can just. SCREAM. That. would. be. fantastic. Please, just help me, oh God. I am begging you. Pleading at your feet.

.....Exhale.....

I'm struggling greatly to comprehend what exactly is your plan for me at this point. What exactly is it that I'm supposed to be doing? Hm?

So Sorry #4(?)

I have to stop this. I'm really sorry if this blog met anything to anyone. For now, though I have to go. I will more than likely keep a physical journal like I used to and maybe after I have become strong enough to handle this I will return and post all of them, but for now. I have to go. I'm sorry. So Sorry.

You used to be alright.

      You used to be alright. What Happened? Did the cat get your tongue?

     My neck hurts. I must have slept terribly wrong :( sad sad sad day.

     You used to be my friend, felicity, but then you went and pulled something this. . . Absolutely. . . Ugh. I need to increase my vocabulary for you. . which is improbable. . . I must therefore make up more words for you. You're terrible, absolutely... unremarkable  in every way I can think. If you hadn't been so crass and irresponsible I would have made room for you in my life but unfortunately you can't even find it in your "soul" to be any sort of decent to anyone. WHAT. THE. HECK.

     If you could have changed on your own accord that would have been o.k. but now you. . . you have one of those bags. You know? And now you're doing everything that once, so long ago we always looked down upon and always said we would never do. You aren't you anymore. You aren't changing because you want to. Are you? No, not at all, you aren't. All you're doing is changing because you think that everyone wants you to. It drives me crazy. You.... Drive me crazy.
    
     

No, I don't hate you; Don' want to fight you.
Know I'll always love you but right now I just don't like you...
Right now I just don't like you..

     This Isn't who you think this is about, I swear. It's not you. I swear. It's just... inside of me right now I'm harboring some more or less harsh feelings just in general. I'm about to turn my music up, take out my Bible and pray. Very Very hard, I will pray, because I really really need an answer or two about some stuff. And, you people honestly aren't making it any easier. It drives me so insane when people lack respect. I would be so o.k. right now if you weren't being so immature. I'm the youngest person here by three years. And, correct me if I'm wrong, I'm definitely the most mature. And all of you people. . . are just. F.M.L

     Pray for me, you Blogger people.

a guest post by Miss Anonymous

I hope that one day I'll be in the position to reveal to you who I am, or at least my position in life. But for now I'm pleasantly content with the mystery paired with my anonymous posts. It brings an involuntary smile to my cheeks just realizing the fact that I know exactly who I am, and you don't.



I'm dealing with a little feeling called loneliness at the moment. My stomach is gnawing itself completely raw, tears keep springing up and overflowing over my lower eyelashes, and my fingers tend to shake as well as my right foot. But I'm fighting every miserable little urge that comes with these feelings with one small knowledge; he loves me.
I never would have guessed that this much anxiety would surface over his absence, but neither did I even consider how much certainty would come with the extra thoughts to myself.

Over the last couple of days I've been allowed to run events, words, and actions through my mind -- actions that became overlooked with the stresses that surfaced with our daily conversations and interactions. I've realized that I've never encountered, expect, or imagined a boy as faithful as the one that God has given to me. That I've never dreamed of someone so selfless, so loving, to overflowing with reassurance and care. He's like a dream, but he doesn't leave when reality sets in. No... he doesn't leave. He never leaves. He's always there. And I found how now, in his absence, during a natural time of growth that couldn't be avoided, that I miss these things I may or may not have hardly noticed before.

I'm so lost in this ache, in this feeling, this hole on the left side of my chest -- that I realize what I took for granted.
I realize now how I could have acted so much more receptive. I realize that now... and it makes me sick how much regret is filling my stomach, how much ache is filling the hole where my heart used to be. But I'm okay... because the butterflies are dancing for him, and my heart is safe in his care. I wouldn't want it any other way... I wouldn't want anything else. I feel such regret for ever making him think anything else about my feelings... if my intentions ever came off as anything other than to spend the rest of my life with him, and every moment waiting for him to come back to me dreaming of him voice. I sincerely regret that.

Love, I'm sorry. Darling, I regret it. Babe, I promise never to do it again. Enjoy your time of growth, share it with me when the moment wills, never forget me, but please don't dwell on my feelings. I'm growing to, in my own way. And when we're reunited and things go back to normal... scratch that, better than normal... perfect... we will both be in such a position to love and be loved in return. This is necessary, and we will be even more amazing than before.


This is the pressure we need to turn us both into something to precious and beautiful as a diamond that was once coal.

Just keep being patient... and I'll keep realizing how stupid I am for being so insecure. Just keep loving me, and I won't be able to help loving you back. Just keep being you, and please don't let me change you. 

Just don't ever me go... please. I need you more than life. You are my life. Without you I am nothing. You are my dream, my hope, my passion... just by smiling. When you do your best... you become even more. I've memorized every line in your face, every gesture, every habit... I know them all. Every sound you make when you yawn...I know them by heart. I love you, dear-heart. I really truly do. 

I can't wait to taste peppermint and rain with you again... 

I can't wait to feel alive again with one glance, to fall deeply in to your eyes and swim in your gaze... 

I miss you, it's true. I miss you more than I can stand. But I'm strong now... thanks to you, and I will be okay. We will be okay. We will always be okay. Because we're meant to be. 

"and as the months turn into years, just know that i will wait here for you." - Christopher Drew Ingle

So now it's just you and me, babe. Just you and me, me and you... you and I. This is all that I ever wanted. And now it's mine. Thank you so much. 

Here's to us. 

I like bananas

      OH!!! The simulated horror!!! :D How am I doing? that's how you start a psychotherapy session? Terrible. I though I was going to get a riverboat journey down my subconscious. Instead I get asked the same question from the lady that slices my salami at Ralph's.

     Indeed I do love Big Bang Theory. Sheldon makes me laugh so damn hard!!! Humiliation, no breathing!!! Bahahahahaha. Leonard is making a fool of himself right now!!! hahahahaha. I can't stop. . wow I'm in such an odd mood. I think that being in a "normal" mood for me would be considered an "odd" mood.Speaking of my moods compared to other people's moods. I have never tried my best at anything. And my love says that everyone else's best would be my mediocrity. Oh, how I do adore you. Her, rather.  

All I want, All I need and All My Love

     No puedo vivir sin ti.
     I can't live without you.
     I can't breathe, nor can I survive. I don't want to. So it's just as well that I can't, isn't it? It is, I'll answer the question for you. It is just as well. Oh, how I love you, Jane. Oh how I can't get away from the fact that out of all the things that have happened. I love you. It's just as well that I can't get away, because I don't want to. I love your beauty. I love your grace. I love you. I love you no matter what you do. I love, I love, I love the feeling that you give me. I love, I love, I love how I can barely seem to breathe. I like the feeling of losing my breath because of you. It reminds me of how much I love you and of the fact that I can't, won't and don't want to stop loving you. I love you so so so so so SO SO SO much. I can't measure it. It's immeasurable. I broke the earthly scale and the heavenly scale. God himself would have to measure my love for you.

     I need you. I need, I need, I need the security that you give me. I need, I need, I need the breath in your lungs. I need you forever and ever. There will never be anyone else for me but you. Which is why I'm so grateful, I'm so. I'm so ecstatic at the thought that you need me too. Baby, it's fact. Baby, the words that I just said are all true, you should know; you should know that I really do need you and that every day I live knowing that i have you makes me stronger. I can't stop needing you, because a necessity is something that one can't live without. The need for air, water or food will never go away and, respectively, my need for you falls into the same exact category in that I will never stop needing you and I will never want to stop.

     I want you. I want you so badly. I want you in my arms, against my chest. I want your tongue in my mouth and your body pressed against mine. I want to tell you that I love you and close my eyes and listen to you tell me "I love you too". I want to be with you for the rest of my life. I want. I want to hold your hand in public and introduce you to people as Jane, My wife. Jane Attwood. That's my goal in life. That's all I REALLY want. Is to change your last name to be my last name. To stay up all night after a bad day and hush you and hold you and tell you how much you mean to me. To smell your hair as I lay down to sleep every night and kiss your head and simply say "I love you, babe", close my eyes and sleep. This is all I want. This is all I need and you have all my love.

F-A-I-R-Y-T-A-L-E

    Let me spell it out. . .

So.... Scared

     I'm scared, honestly. Deeply scared. But this is nothing like Monday night, because this time. This time I fucked up. Now, though I'm asking her for her help. Now that she knows what I've done wrong I'm hoping that instead of leaving me, she will help me. She really does love me, and I really really really really do love her. I hope that she'll see all this. I really hope she will. I pray, In Jesus' name that she will see that I really do love her.

It's over. So over.

     Listening to: We Cry by The Script

    And now, right now at this moment. I am a part of the collective group this band is referring to. I am crying so hard right now. I can't see a single thing.

     My girlfriend Jane. She is. . well now, was the love of my life. We are over. She's breaking up with me as we speak. I hate to say so, but we are so very very over. I want to kill myself, I want to slit my wrists and just. let them bleed out until there isn't any more blood and I can't feel a single thing and I end up seeing a bright light and I die. I want to punch a wall until my knuckles fall off and my fingers are misshapen. I want to scream at every person that I see and every time I see a smile I want to cut that person's face off. I want everyone to hate me. I hate them. I will drink so much until I pass out in the middle of the street and get run over by an eighteen wheeler and 20 priuses driven by left wing bitches. I want to feel more pain than ever before. I want to be whipped by the cat of nine tails until my entrails are torn to shreds. I want to be eaten alive by a cannibal who, slowly, on limb at a time cuts me up and eats me alive. I want to experience the zombie apocalypse so I can know what it feels like to want to eat someone alive.  I want to fight anyone and everyone that looks at me with anything more than plain dullness. I'd like to kill her. I'd like to kill myself. Goodbye forever. 

Can't take it.

     So now I can't sleep. I hope you are happy, though I know you're not, I'm simply saying that because the modern social law dictates that I do so. Thanks to you I will once again stay up literally all night long and do nothing but write, play my guitar terribly and probably eventually cry. I guess eventually has lost it's meaning in my mind and now means "at this exact moment" because at this exact moment I am crying. I am sad. I am depressed. I feel like defacing my body with a blade over and over and never ever stop.

    I want to so bad and the only thing holding me back is God. He keeps me on my feet when things get rough. The emotional turmoil inside of me keeping me from sleep is totally justified right now. How could you say those terrible things? She's not right! Jane. Jane, come back! I'm sorry I've fucked up, my past is returning. I can't stress this enough: "I have LONG feared that my sins would return to visit me. And the cost is more than I can bear." I can't pay for what is happening right now. All of this is taking such an emotional toll on me. A toll that I can't afford to pay. Simply because I have no more emotional value. I'm worth nothing, and this is trying to take more from me than what I have. I can't take it.

So Sorry #3

     I honestly can't explain myself to anyone most of the time. I don't know why I have these feelings, love. I don't know why sometimes all I want to do is act depressed and not say anything to anyone. I don't know why you are included in "people", you shouldn't be. You are so much better than anyone I know and everything I ever told you you've always reacted to so gracefully. I have no right to want to exclude you from my life at all, my love. And I'm sorry. So sorry.

     I have long feared that my sins would return to visit me; and the cost is more than I can bear. I can't pay the price for my past. It haunts me so. You don't deserve my cold moments and blank words that come and go as often as the sun and moon. These moments brought about by the memories that torment me; the demons that bring me so much pain I can't even explain. I've given them the power to do so because I feel like I deserve it. I feel like I've earned it. God will take them away as soon as I let Him, this I know, but I can't. I don't deserve it. I know how much the little things mean to you, believe me, they mean just as much or more to me. I read into things a lot too and I know I don't remember the moments when I was totally oblivious to the good times and bad times. And I'm sorry. So Sorry.

     My heart hurts. All the time, except when I get to see your face or hear your voice. I know that you are mine and I know I'm being a hypocrite, but it's not enough, damn it. I can't console you or make you stop crying from all the way over here. 197 miles is way to many miles, my love. I can't cover them to get to you legally or morally. And I'm sorry. So Sorry.

     I'm sick now; and I'm angry often. I'm desperate to see you, much less hear you. Everything anyone else says or does just doesn't matter to me. I'm in pain. Why? I have all the love in the world that one person could ever need. All my parents ever did was hide there childish, sensitive child and didn't bother to give him the help he needed. Now I'm long gone and I can't control myself. I need Him. He's the only way. I don't see any way out of this. The only way to fix me doesn't include you. And I'm sorry. So sorry.

Yes, Yes, Yes!!!

     Urban and Modern law dictates that a fairytale is something that can never ever happen in real life. Hence forth "fairy". Unreal. Snuggling chameleons, Sword fighting Horses and magical glowing, healing hair. These are all things that are unreal yet ever so satisfying to our dull, boring lives. What other questionable false realities have we created for ourselves? Love? Love is unreal and mystical. There is no agreeable definition or explanation for love. Love is found first and foremost in the Bible, true. And in the Bible it is explained that God loves us and all these things that he did because he loves us and how he sent His Son for us. I also know that we, as humans feel love. We have to because how else would we love God back?

     I can't explain this love that I feel for you, Jane. I can't. It's fairytale, it's alien to me. It doesn't make sense, but the feeling that I get from knowing how much you mean to me and how I want to spend every single day with you, that feeling, is just

  ...Exhale...

Tangled.

     Watching Tangled :) For the first time ever might I add. Oh how I do love the extremely old Mickey Mouse cartoon at the beginning of the Disney films. Holy crap baby Rapunzel is freaking ADORABLE. I hate how they can ever so easily make cartoon things adorable. It puts us much weaker folk at a loss.
    
     Also, I am ever so hungry. So so so so so so so so so so so so so so. wow. I totally blanked while I was typing those "so's" anywa. Hungry so am I. Wow, freaking. . . best adorable movie. I love this movie. Thank you so much!!! yea, yea, you. Ugh, I may even unfortunately like this movie more than Despicable Me. . . CRAP. Seriously. That's A LOT of hair. . . Coolio. What a way to spend my lunch hour.. . . SO HUNGRAY! . . . .

Oddly Lacking

 Listening to: The Limit to Your Love by Feist

Would you like a commemorative snow cone?
     So, here's the thing. I can't decide whether or not I should go along with this plan. This plan to make my life the best life one could possibly ever have. Actually that's not true. What I'm having trouble with is how I expect to get ANYTHING done while I know that when I get home you'll be waiting for me. And when I'm ready to go to sleep you will be there in my bed. I don't know how I'm going to be anything but your husband. I don't know, honestly.
 

     "I love I love I love
This dream of going upstream
I love I love I love
The trouble that you give me
I know I know I know
That only I can save me
I'll go I'll go I'll go
Right down the road"

Your love, your love, your love. I can't read your voice, my love. I can't tell what you mean purely by what you say. I need to see you. I need to hold you and I need to kiss you.

I can't handle not seeing you for much longer.

I suppose that I'll have to just get used to it and just. . . power through this year that will be oddly lacking in adorable girls named Jane. 

 Goodbye, love.

Anonymous guest.

Dear anonymous guest,
     I'm not sure who you are but you say that I know you in real life. Therefore, I have a certain measure of sympathy for you. I'm sorry you feel this way and I know whatever you are going through must be painful. I'm sorry that you're alone. And I'm sorry that you feel like you need me, but you don't. And you need to leave Jane alone. She doesn't deserve this, and you're making me feel terrible. Please just either leave us alone or tell me who you are so we can discuss this.

Come to me

  

Listening to: You Only Live Once by the Strokes

   Only if she was lying by me, would I lie in my bed again.

     I can't see my reflection in the water

     I can't speak to show any signs of pain

     I can't hear the echo of my steps or remember the sounds of my own name

     Only if my one true love was waiting and if I could only hear her heart softly pounding

     Yes, if only she was lying by me. I'd lie in my bed once again.

   
     Oh.... o.k. I see now. Seriously, Jane, just come on over. Just come lay by me and we can lay together for ever and ever. We could cry together, for good reasons and for bad reasons. We could laugh together and smile at each other endlessly. We don't need to say goodbye, we don't need to fight the cry. And we could hold each other tight, tonight. Any pain I may have had is gone now that you are here. I know that there was so much stuff and time between us, but we have conquered that. We have forgiven what needed to be forgiven and we have returned back what transgressions we have shared. I love you and you love me. Let's get together and live happy.

     I'm going to need a lot more than toast. Straight up and down. I do like jelly. What else do you have in mind? I don't want to wait and see, tell me!! I'm a brat, remember? I must know. I don't .. I just told you I don't like surprises. I like to know. Really now? [End Transmission. . . (edited for content)]

      I didn't have a choice. It was all you. I am so happy that I was left no choice. For you, you are everything I ever could have dreamed and more, my love. . . Your smile, your brilliance. You are lovely and amazing. I miss you though, ever so terribly. Come to me, my love.

All I have.

     I don't think I completely understand myself. All I have is that I love you and that you love me too. That's all I've got. When push comes to shove in our life, whether it's between us or not. . . All I have is that I Love You. Damnit, I love you. I don't know why this isn't bothering you. I don't, honestly. I don't know where she came from. It has to be someone from my past. It has to be. How could she possibly know about you, me, Jane and Elizabeth? She's going to read this and be satisfied that I wrote a whole post about her. And for that I'm sorry. But look at how many of them are for you. This whole entire blog is for you.

     I love you so much and I can't ever stop thinking about you. I cry. I cry like a teenage girl meeting Justin Bieber. Except with more. . . Actual sane love. No, I'm wrong, It's not sane, these feelings that I have for you, Jane. They are not by any stretch of my, rather large imagination sane. It's insane. It's . . . wow. It doesn't make any sense to have faith in something so unreal. Like God though, there's just something there. I have faith in you like I have faith in God I can't see it and I have no reason to believe in it. Except that, I can just feel something there urging me to believe and to have faith. I can't explain it. It's hard to explain. This is all I have. All I have is that I love you, Jane.

     I know men shouldn't cry. I know that I'm a man . . . and she knows. . . because of. . well yea. Anyway, I know that the hunter/gatherer guidelines dictate that I should not need anything that I have besides a few articles of clothing, a roof and food only when absolutely necessary. It also dictates that men are to be thought of as brutes that are not considerate, emotional or otherwise sensitive. I am however. All of the above. It turns out, though that you already thought these things before I cam to these conclusions. I'm strong yet sensitive. I know these things. I know when I need to be strong for her and myself and when the time comes my family. I also know, however, when I must just. . . listen. {Abrupt ending} I'm listening.

Unfiltered (A Guest Post)

     Hi... this is -- well, me. I'd prefer to write anonymous at this point, simply because... well I don't know who all reads this blog, or who all will read it and it's just kind of to protect myself. I don't know, I'm a bit paranoid, I suppose.
Moving swiftly on...
Thank you Frederik for letting me vent here for you. I don't have anywhere to vent accept my own private writings and I believe there's something freeing about ranting publicly... at least hopefully.

     I'm in love. It's not a new feeling, or an invention. I'm sure it's something that you've experienced once or twice, many great people in history have been this way... in love, that is.
But I fail to believe that anyone anywhere has ever been in love like this... accept maybe Christ and His adoration for the church -- which I believe is a very good sign, that I'm learning to love as He did. I think that's healthy, safe even. Though nothing about this love of mine seems safe.

     You see, I love him even when his words are supposed to hurt me. Even when I'm supposed to be angry, or even entertain the feeling hate. I still love him -- I want to know everything that goes through his mind, every feeling and every thought not because I'm trying to control him -- I'd never dream of doing that, but because it comforts me. I rant and ramble and complain to him alot. He's heard me cry more than anyone else ever has, he knows more than anyone in my life has ever known about me, and knowing that he trusts me to do the same brings a sense of safety to my heart.

     I'm obsessed, fascinated, and memorized by his every action... because I admire them. I'm enthralled with his every thought because they're beautiful. He's beautiful, he's amazing... he's an enigma. I've always wanted to be an enigma... longed to hold some sort of mystery. But I'm to open for that nonsense. Instead I fell in love with an enigma. He's the most amazing person I've ever known --  didn't know it when I first met him. I thought he was a loser actually. I thought he was an OCD, jerk... but I'm okay saying that now because I know now that I was wrong. I could have never guessed, even after we became close friends, what was on the inside of him. The passion he holds, the love he shows, the emotion he exposes, the care he gives... it sounds to good to be true, trust me -- I wake up every morning expecting it to all be unreal, a dream. But it's real.
    
     One day he's going to ask me to marry him and I'm going to say yes... one day soon. Between now and then I'll continue to love him endlessly, and know that he loves me the same, if not more.

     If you're reading this, I love you my darling. I love you with everything in me. But I don't have to say that because you know. You're so sure and positive about us. That's what keeps me going... don't ever stop caring about me, looking after me, and taking responsibility for me. It will never get old, and I will never hate it. Even if I am mistaken about my feelings, promise you'll never stop. Because I won't.
I was thinking about how much I love you... and how "love" is a beautiful word, but how it's been so distorted I never feel okay with just saying that and leaving it there... so I googled the definition for love, and the synonyms... under the synonyms were silly little words like fondness and predilection. Under predilection however, I found the word... weakness. And I stopped... and I stared...and I reminded myself to breath... and I had a revelation.

     I love you.... I'm weak... I'm not strong when it comes to loving you. Let me explain; who I am doesn't take control. Who we are does. I'm not longer wrapped in my own world, but our world. I'm no longer stubborn, I'm willing -- I'm not longer scared, I'm comforted. I'm not trying to stand my ground and be strong and survive this, I'm happily weak -- weak under the weight of your love. Trusting you to carry me.
And I know that you'll never let me fall.

False Hope. Sorry.

     It's been a whole at least 24 hours since my last post. I'm terribly sorry. I'm watching a movie at this exact second. So in a few minutes when it's over I'm going to listen to some Feist and write. Write because she deserves my fingertips to be bleeding and disfigured from typing so damn much.

     I'll hang up the phone in anger and agree to never talking to you again... But I'd be lying. I could say that I'm totally o.k. with saying "fuck all" and just pretend like we never happened after a 3-month long grieving period. I'm not really sure why I said that. o.k. I think I'm beginning to understand why. I said that all because if that happened I'd cry. I would cut. I would become a terrible terrible person and nobody would like me. Instead of shining and brightening people's day I would be dark and depressing. Honestly this lone paragraph is depressing enough but it can't even come close to how depressing I would be. Also, honestly this paragraph isn't really all that awesome, but I'm going to make up for it. I swear.

     Just a little bit more of depressing stuff because now, like almost three hours later. I have long since finished that movie, and episode of walking dead and an episode of Game of Thrones. I have also had a small terrible, terrible dream. For a very long while now my knee has hurt something fierce and lately it's just been getting worse and worse. When we first discovered my knee pains, we went to a doctor and junk and he said that at the worst it could be cancer. I knew that it wasn't cancer though. It still hurt terribly and I couldn't finish my year of football. So I had a terrible dream and in the dream I got very sick and long story short, after I died, Jane left me.

     It was the worst worst dream or thought or anything of the sort to have been my displeasure to slither into my mind while I was deep in REM cycle. Now, after I had this dream I had the amazing amazing pleasure of talking to Jane for. . about 2 hours until like 4'oclock in the morning :) It was an amazing talk. The only bad part, however was when I told her about said dream and I cried and she cried and yea. It didn't feel very good, but it felt so fantastic afterwards knowing that I told her and all was well and I still had her and I know nothing so ridiculous as that will ever ever happen. For I know that God loves me, her and us.

Beware, Jane

     Listening to: Paranoid Android by Radiohead

     I swear it's never enough. Last night... I couldn't sleep *echo* I couldn't sleep . . . I've been up literally all night. This post is going to be extremely painful for so many reasons. I'm not going to say anything specific about what happened last night, or rather, what is happening right now. I know that later, I'll continue writing on this post. This is going to prove to be one of my longer posts. This is going to be so painful. I'm sorry.

     Don't try and figure out why this happened. Don't try and fix what other people have done ever-so-wrong. I don't know either, my love, I don't know! There is no reason to him being a completely asinine insignificant immature selfish jerk. He messed up, nay, he screwed up. He isn't a good person, there is no justification for what he did.

     This is so painful. So very damn painful. To hear you keeping on talking about him. I know we've had this conversation before. He hurt you way more than anything you could say about him could hurt me. yea, I understand, I suppose. I shouldn't have called you back. I shouldn't have. I should have let you just hang up on me and not answer the phone when you tried calling me back, like I know you would have. This is unbearable. I haven't told you about how many bad dreams I've had about that asshole. Try having a dream where I'm doing something, anything and he comes and takes it from me. I'm happy, it's a beautiful day and I'm just enjoying a kite. He comes and takes the kite from me, ruins it and gives it back, leaving me to repair the damaged thing. It's still lovely sure but I can't do it. It's so fucking stubborn and I just can't piece it back together.

Please.

  Listening to:  My Moon My Man by Feist

     . . . I have a terrible feeling that I have hurt some people in my life and I didn't eve know it. I think that sometimes my brain moves way to fast and I don't notice certain things and I just go on with my life like nothing has happened. I believe that there is some sort of mathematical formula for this. This being that the smarter you are the more socially oblivious you are. Particularly of one's self. Before Jane and I were more than friends I could never see myself as any sort of desirable being. I never engaged in conversation with anyone of worth nor did I ever try to get with a girl.

      What Jane has done is truly amazing. She has changed the way I see myself so entirely and surely. I was never confident in anything that I did. I could never just be a good friend, I always cared to much about what people thought and I was always extremely paranoid about what other people may or may not  have been saying about me. I was not Frederik, I was simply living to get by. I never really tried to excel at anything and I never tried to impress anyone.

     I want some gum. got some gum. Enjoying the gum. Enjoy this post. Please.

Thoughts?

       Oh MY!!!!! You're bleeding!!
      ... Like a gladiator.
  Gladiators are BOSS. So very very boss. This is going to be a semi-serious post. One dealing with manliness and the ever so demanding macho factor. I'm a man, indeed I am. A rather large one at that about six foot two hundred pounds, size 12-13 feet. Generally just very large. I suppose I remind myself of a teddy bear at times, but then not. I am because of how very deceiving my looks are. You would suppose that someone with a frame and build like mine would be an athlete, and while I could very well be a very good athlete, that's just not my cup-o-tea.

   As most of you know, I write and recently I play the musical instruments. I also very much enjoy cooking, baking and at extreme moments in my life cleaning. I love chick flicks/ romantic comedies, I love reading really really old books, mostly Jane Austen or Charlotte Bronte. Basically I'm a girl. Basically. I'm super sensitive and I cry way to easily. I can handle physical pain but emotional pain and stress just gets to me so very very easily. I dream about my wedding, the first thing I would ever want to do if given a night alone with my Jane would be to just hold her all night. The longer I make this list, the more I feel like a girl, but then I remember how much I love her and I realize that I must certainly be a male. An extremely straight male at that.

   As long as I can remember my Dad has always pressed me to "be a man" and while at times I realize that in the face of temptation or one day when I have a family I must be, but why should I force myself to choose going hunting or watching some sporting event to go read or spend the day with my mother? These things make no sense to me. What are your thoughts? 

You Only Live Once

"Some people think they're always right
others are quiet and uptight
others they seem so very nice, in fact they might be sad and wrong."

    This was the first song I heard by the strokes and is therefore my introduction and first impression to them which is absolutely fantastic. I love this band oh so very much. I got to thinking, though, about bands that I have liked in the past. This list isn't very long, I grant you that mostly because I still like those bands and also because my music listening was very hindered by my parents. As was my movie/ T.V. watching. At any rate,  These bands include Relient K, DC Talk, Nickleback..... So This list isn't very specific or important for that matter. . .

    Damnit, Frederik, come to a point! My point is that I have changed. Not only my simple music tastes but myself. Last summer I couldn't make a friend to save my life. Last summer my wrists were still freshly scarred from stuff. . . like bad stuff. Anyway, this summer I was friends with everybody. You don't understand. . . No, shut up. Let me give you an example or two. Never mind. No examples. Just take my word for it, I'm a lot better now. A few people would be able to attest to this.

      This is mainly due to the fact that before this summer, during my actual years of social consciousness, I have suffered many an emotional hurt and those hurts just made me. . . unbearable. Recently though, my life has been amazing. Thanks to God and thanks to Jane.  

ENABLER

       Whenever I play Mario, I'm enabling him, Mario, to go out on a date because he's always on his way to save the Princess Peach :D

      ENABLER. This reminds me of that one movie, Dan in Real Life. how when he made his daughter's boyfriend go home, she was like yelling at him calling him a murderer of love. .  .Don't really know why but I really love that part.

     And now I continue to watch The Big Bang Theory and am laughing very heartily. I really wanna play video games right now. . . that random??? Like maybe some Halo. . or some Black Ops. . . I don't know I just miss pwing teh Noobs. . . That is an extremely fun word to say or more. . a fun phrase to say.

    Tom is a sexually passive outdoors man. Oh gosh my posts are ever so random. I'm just a random person I suppose. does anyone think that perhaps I should start posting more serious posts? Like the one I did called "Would Have Been Less" or . . .you know, various other ones.

Post # 43

    "Unfortunately this hospital is not equipped to treat stupid, GO AWAY!!!" I do indeed love this show that is The Big Bang Theory. . . Leonard and Sheldon crack me the hell up.

     Currently I'm in my childhood home, and my parents are having the entertainment system moved to a different room. Yes the whole entire entertainment system. And so, me being the only technologically knowledgeable person in my family was given the task of overseeing the operation. Obviously I'm not supervising them, I'm just making sure they don't screw up. Also, I just got some more keys for my car. . .awesome sauce. I shall never lose them ever again.  EVAR. I'm using this awesome lanyard for my "key chain". My dad is playing golf and my mom is at the grocery store. . . therefore I'm alone in my. . . old room and am just watching my shows :D The Big Bang theory, Rescue me, and Third Rock From the Sun :)

     Sheldon is soooo funny. He took like 10 minutes to find a chair in a single room apartment. I have. . . to go. I think I'm going to visit Jane hopefully on Thursday :D I just hope I can. . you know. . do it :) because I already brought it up with her and she'd be heartbroken if we couldn't hang out :)  

FOOD!

        So My mommy came to visit me :D we ate lunch together, well actually she bought me lunch :) I'm such a brat at times. Hahahaha. I love my mommy. At this time, 6:19 p.m., this will be nothing more than a draft. Coz I have to go downstairs and get the photos I took from lunch and upload them and yadayadayada. They are going to be crappy, no doubt because I took them from my mom's Iphone and the lighting wasn't very good. Now that I think about it, I only took one picture, a picture of my plate. Yummy yummy yummy food!!! :)

        I'm liking this new layout. Very clean and organized :D I'm a freak like that so I like the organization and clean things. I like being able to have any one come into my apartment at anytime and say "wow this is really clean and nice, Fred." Fred, I don't really like that. wait. yes I do. Wait. I can't remember. hahaha. Oh me! Oh my! Lions, Tigers and Bears. No, I'm a combination Lion, tiger and bear. Man, I'm so, I'm so, I'm sooo... pfffft.
Your face is pfffft, Freddy boy, your face is pfffft. Man, I'm in such a weird mood right now. . . so weird. 

      So there's not going to be a picture. I'm just posting this extremely RANDOM post because I feel like it. I've been writing on this post for like 2 weeks and therefore it's sooo random.


  Also I realllllllly love the Big Bang Theory :D
       

So Sorry #2

     Listening to: So Sorry by Feist.

         I always end up listening to Feist while I'm writing I don't really know why. All I know is I am very inspired to write when I listen to them. Especially this song, because the lyrics are just so deep and can be taken in so many different ways yet the lyrics are simple.

"We could hold each other tight, tonight"

       That we could, Jane, that we could. I miss her ever so much. I miss her smiling face and her tantalizing fragrance. My favourite thing in the world is seeing her early in the morning. Completely void of all artificial beauty, and glowing in natural beauty. She does glow. She glows everywhere she goes and she makes me seem so dull and bland. You, my love, are way to good for me. You are way out of my league. You love people and you love God exactly how you want to do it. You do things how you want but only if it feels right. You've never succumbed to peer pressure. You've never been a plastic, fake girl that needs attention from everybody to feel special. We all know you are special. And those that don't know are just plain stupid.  Sometimes I'm stupid, Jane, and I'm so sorry.

I love you.

    
   Agape love is true. Agape love is a choice. Agape love is unconditionally totally surrendering everything you have for the subject of your love. God loves us with an Agape love, among others. I love Jane with an Agape love. I choose to love her and not expect anything in return. There are no conditions to what I feel for her. There's nothing that she could ever do to make me not love her. There's nothing we could do to make God ever stop loving us. Sometimes Agape love can seem stupid to an outside party. Sometimes Agape love can make others feel uncomfortable. If one isn't used to such feeling, to such love, of course they are going to feel awkward. Since the love is unconditional, though, this won't ever stop it. I will never. no matter what happens, ever stop loving Jane. I have found my Agape love for her. Whether she has earned it or not, doesn't matter. She has it.

         Eros love is attraction. It's erotic. Intimate, sensual longing for another person. Eros is something you can't really help because you can't choose to be attracted to someone or not. It just happens. When I first saw Jane I had a completely cliche, amazing, breathtaking moment where I couldn't breathe. I couldn't speak and she thought I was a loser (honestly she told me), there's moments like that where you just can't help but feel the attraction and love that is Eros love. It's EROtic, DUHH! With an Eros love, all I want to do all day long is kiss my beautiful, amazing girl and lay in bed until I die.

    This is only two of the four Greek words for love. I'll probably do a post on the other two in about a week.

Beauty is perceptive.

       All beauty is perceptive. That is, how do you perceive the beauty of something? To me, Beauty could be something as simple as some old houses and some old trees I can see from one of my windows. A bird house or two, A window where someone probably sits, just like me and writes to his or her hearts content. Everyone needs a window where they can express their feelings how they see fit. Jane is beautiful to me and many other people for obvious reasons. Physically that is, but I have my other extremely important and deep reasons.

     Certain people would definitely not consider the outside of my window beautiful. I also happen to find mountain ranges and oceans absolutely breathtaking.Yet certain people would also find those things revolting. Mountains are a sharp, natural beauty. Oceans are soft and inviting. I have no idea how one would go about making a chart or some sort of graph to classify the different beauties. I think that there is no way because everyone perceives beauty in there own way.

       I think tears are beautiful. I think death is beautiful. I think that when something like death happens and when people shed tears the emotion that comes forth , the emotion that is necessary for a heartfelt experience when dealing with death is breathtaking. Recently a very close aunt of mine died and everyone there was displaying such emotion and such love. Everyone was comforting everyone and all I could do or think was be happy. I'm going to comfort you and not care who you are or what you've done because in this moment all I can do is cry and feel pain and I know that you're feeling the same thing.


     It's sad how superficial people are now a days. It makes me cry.

Would have been less.

        I hate that I can't press tab to indent my first sentence of each paragraph. It's kinda annoying. It's not really like right. This is a place where you write like all the time, that's what you do here; yet I can't freaking indent without pressing the space bar multiple times. . . Annoying as hell.  

       To the real reason I sat down to right today. I'd like to, as my first semi-serious post, address a few, at best, semi-serious issues. 

Guns being one of them. I am totally pro second amendment and I see zero logic in gun bans.

Except if there were no guns at all, but then there would still be other weapons. 

There are always weapons. Now, lets say that guns are outlawed and since I am a law abiding citizen, I give up all my guns, which would take freaking ages, and am now, generally defenseless against any other guns. 

The neighbor over there, Mr. Smith, isn't law abiding and he decides to keep a few of his guns. Now what's gonna happen when Mr. Smith gets desperate and decides to come rob my house with a gun. I have no way of defending myself against that crap, man. 

Would the government really expect EVERY single citizen to give up there guns? Likely. Just goes to show you that at place like Virginia Tech, the bad guys will still disobey the law and take a gun onto campus where no one else is allowed the right to keep a gun. Result? 

The death of 32 and injury of 25 innocent people at the hand of a mentally unstable person completely disobeying the law. Had one law abiding person on that campus had a gun. The death toll would have been less.

More of these types of posts might come later. Tell me what you think.

Tootles

   I'm now moderating my comments. Don't really know why, to be honest. I just felt like it. . . I suppose. This weekend, I'll be a bit busy and therefore will not be posting a whole lot. Though, I have many drafts that are unfinished so I'll probably finish those and post those throughout the weekend :)

     Wow, another twelve hours has gone by between a post of mine. I apologize. I woke up a bit late today, good things I don't have any classes Friday morning. But I do have one in like an hour so tootles.  

Music!! :D

        I got a guitar. I got a new, brand new ovation guitar. Not all that fancy shmancy, but I love it :D It's black. I'm sure my new obsession will take up much of my time. Therefore, I don't see myself writing all that much . . . Well, that's actually untrue, I will never ever give up writing. Even for music, but then again I don't know how much I'm going to fall in love with music. Yummy.

      I just tried to learn some chords. Epic failure. I can't do a bar chord to save my life. hahaha. My rings may have something to do with it :/ And they did :) I took them off and I can actually do it now. It's going to take a while for me to be able to do it on demand though, I'm sure. . . My goal is to be able to play . . . Which song should I learn. I KNOW!! I'll try and learn I love you more than you'll ever know and I'll try to be able to play it in 2 weeks. . . so September 15, look for a cover of said song. Don't expect me to sing though. God no.

Kinda Sucks.

         You're making me cry. I'm crying at this moment. Right now, I'm shedding tears. You keep reassuring me, but it's not really working. You've just informed me of something I previously didn't know about and I'll be honest, it kinda sucks. I thought that, since you loved me and junk, it wouldn't matter. I thought. . . that was my mistake I guess. I think to damn much. Please spare me the trouble of your words, girl. I don't need you at all, never have, never will. What we had, well your side of it at least, was always a lie, I can't believe you could try and tell me other wise now. I know everything, girl. I know where you were with him. I know who he was. I know exactly what happened.

       Well it's your loss, I don't want your stupid friendship anyway. . . because that's all it is stupid, that's all you are, girl. Stupid. Why after all the crap we've been through together would you suddenly do this to me!? well I'm done, honestly, I'm totally just done with you. I quit. And if you ever talk to Jane again I'll freaking kill you. If you ever touch her again, If you ever look at her wrong. Yea, I hope you do read this, girl. You need to find out somehow that your life is on the line next time you pull crap like this.

       I've stopped now. The crying has ceased.  Just like my grandmother and you knew that and you took advantage of that and you made fun of me. What kind of a monster are you, girl!? That's my grandmother we're talking about here. Whatever, I forgot what I was about to say, that's how little you mean to me. screw you. And not in the good way.

Fitter, Happier.

        The reason you should keep getting up and keep coming back is because there are people that believe that you will never come back and when you prove those people wrong, those people fall. They fall in so many ways. They might fall for you. They might fall away from you. They might fall so hard that they die. Whatever happens, you will turn some heads and break some necks. 

Fitter, Happier and more productive. These are the attributes I most want for you. To be fitter is to be more lively, more able to do with me what we please and a better chance at living long enough to see great grand kids. To be happier is to be more at peace with your life. To have a good, positive understanding of what you are, of what we are. And let's face it, if you're happy, so am I. To be more productive is to be more fruitful and therefore more in God's will for our lives. And more fruitful because I want kids. At least 2 but no more than 4. I know you're o.k. with that, we've already had this conversation, many times. This is for the sake of YOU people.

It's been more than 12 hours since my last post! blasphemy!!! sorry, shouldn't happen again.

Your call

Listening to: Nocturne in E- Flat Maj. No. 2

"Waiting for your call; I'm sick
Call, I'm angry
Call, I'm desperate for your voice."

         I'm actually not sick or angry; just desperate. Desperate for her voice and desperate for everything else that she brings me, like her lips. And I can't help but feel a little sad because it's been so long since I've heard her voice. Even longer since I've seen her face or heard her laugh. I miss her so much. Great awesome news, though. Next year we'll be at school together!!! I can't wait, oh my goodness that will be so so so freaking amazing.

         The house I grew up in was fantastic. Most old towns have like the downtown area and then are built around that. However, since I live on the ocean shore [ bahahahah I love saying that] ANYWAYS, My town extends from the shore and then goes towards the land. My parents house is old. Very old. And very large. And when I go home I sit in my room with all the windows open and I stare at the ocean and write. I swear if I grew up anywhere else I wouldn't be the write I am today. And boston; oh Boston is fantastic. My apartment is fantastic, my parents are so so so amazing I am truly blessed to have them. Anyway, my apartment is over looking this park with like tins of trees and beyond that are some really old townhouse and then beyond that is nothing but gorgeous gorgeous trees. Writing is so easy here. Except that even now I am a little distracted by such beauty.

Mulish

             I feel like it's necessary to have a post with a title that's one word and the word has to be like looked up by the multitude of the people that read my blog. Only, that's unlikely to happen because you, Bleah, seem extremely intelligent. And plus, it would be simple to just open up a new tab and go to dictionary.com or something and look up the word "mulish". Honestly, I'm not even sure how to pronounce it. . . Now I'm sure. hahaha. Man, I need a shower, I ran two miles earlier and just got back when I sat down and started writing this. Therefore, I am extremely sweaty and. . ugh.

           And she says I'm sooo cute. I don't understand her logic. Jane, YOU are the cute one!!! It's YOU it's always been you!!! :D I love her muchness. . . I'm thinking about writing serious blogs. What do you think? Maybe I start another blog? I don't know, you tell me. I guess. It would be much more planned and I owuld probably start actually including pictures in my bloggings. . .Whatever. Tootles.

IT WAS RAINING!!!!!

So to many people rain is a bad thing. A cliche from depressing movies or a reason to curl up into a ball and just wallow in self pity. Well to me, rain is the best thing ever. Rain brings life, especially here where it hasn't rained in like 5 months. Granted, when I'm sleeping and it begins to rain I sleep all the more, but rain just makes me happy, it makes the day go by faster or slower, depending on how you look at it, because it makes it dark outside. My mom just washed her car though. Bad news.

     Greetings from like a week or two after it rained. ummm. . . I don't know why I never posted this. . . but welllllllll. here you go.  

Pack up And Go.

Listening to: Nocturne in E- flat Major No. 2 by Chopin 
       
          Stop it. Just stop it now! Just because you have the opportunity to make me feel like a total ass after your day hasn't exactly been the best! I know I'm a great listener and I know that I usually help you out, but when I... When I ask you to stop, You stop. When I am in a ball covering my face trying to hide my tears, You stop. What kind of a monster are you!? Since when was this a sport? Sure, I've recovered and my tears have dried. My scars have long since healed, but you act like nothing EVER happened. You act like just because you said "I'm sorry" you can expect me to be like you, to act like I forgot about everything.

        I'm here to set you straight, girl. If you ever come near me or her again. If you ever come at me like that again I will turn your life into such hell that You won't know what hit you. You'll want to be dead by the time I'm halfway through with you. You'll wish you never messed with me. You'll wish you never even met me. And I'll look you in the eyes just to see the sheer terror that comes with living your life as filthy as you will. Leave. Us. Alone. Pack up and go.

I quit.

So I was just outside smoking and my neighbor is elderly, she's like 80 and like yea. And I was thinking about what it would be like when I was old and I imagined me with all my grandchildren and I saw my wife, Jane, and we were there and I realized that. . . I was smoking, and out of all the things I do that are bad for me this is like the only one that actually is bad for my health and I saw into the future again and I was already dead by the time I was eighty. I couldn't handle not being able to see my grand kids and. . . I stopped. The smell made me sick. My head suddenly hurt. I put it out. Threw it away and flushed the rest of the pack. I'm done. I quit.

Where is My mind?

Listening to: Where is My Mind by The Pixies

               This song is a great reminder of my favorite movie ever Fight Club. At the end when all the buildings are blowing up this song starts playing and it's funny coz the main character, Tyler Durden, was a psychopath and he literally lost his mind. Yea. . . I need more pens. . ugh. I've been writing with crappy replacements for like a week almost. LAME. 

           Jane finally called, everything's o.k.  Her Dad is going to be fine. I'm sure the one of you that reads this prayed for him and for that I thank you :) Bleah, what a lovely unique name. I'm guessing it's pronounced:(Blaya)And if so, that's really pretty. My girlfriends name is a classic :) Jane. Like from Pride and Prejudice or something :)

I really want a good steak right now. . . Odd, random I know. But that's me, later, Imma go get the grill ready.
Haha, it's really just my stove, but I like to believe I have a grill in my apartment.

HEY MAN!!! Look at Me Rocking Out!!!

           So it turns out that Relient K has a new CD out. it's a cover album. interesting. I shall listen and probably throw up because they SUCK now. . . It's in the p.m. now, surprise surprise. I very rarely post in the mid-day hours, I think. . . All I know is that I really really need some sleep. This morning I had a freaking class about. . something i don't even remember. I don't remember the name of it, but it's a class not having to do with my English major. It was a computer class, because that's another one of my main interests, and I needed another credit or two. And I love and am quite good with computers.

Listening to: Radio, Video by System of a Down

           I'd like some chocolate right now. Anyway, I need some freaking gas in my car. And before that I need some freaking money. hahaha. I need to go cash my paycheck like really really soon :D Because I'm a boss and I work and I get MONEY! :) I really want to by me a guitar . . . I've always wanted to be a musician. . . like my sister. Well all she does is play the piano and she quit when she was young. She was really good though, she played for a long time and started really young. She also tried her hand at the drums. . .that didn't really work out to well.

TTFN

Blows my Mind.

For the love of. . . last night. . I couldn't sleep *echo* I couldn't sleep... I was in so much pain because of my knee it was unbelievable. I just wanna chop it off sometimes.

Listening to: Paranoid Android by Radiohead
     
I'm so scared of what might happen. I woke up to late to find out if everything was o.k. sorry, Jane. I hope she'll get around to calling me later. She's at work now, and I can't call her to find out if her dad is going to be o.k. She didn't even have to go to work, but she did, because well she's amazing and she always does what she believes to be right. I guess that would also classify her as being a little stubborn, but that's part of why I love her so much!

Galatians 5:1
   "Its is for freedom that Christ has set us free. Stand firm, then, and do not let yourselves be burdened again by a yoke of slavery."

          I'm so happy to know that Jesus has set me free simply to be free. To be free to live for Him. To be free to love Him. To be free to have a life and not feel obligated to love God, but at the same time, wanting only to love Him. Blows my mind.

 Listening to: So Sorry by Feist


It's a cool 72 degrees here in Boston. I'm not actually outside, I just know this because of this nifty little thing on my computer. Anyway.

"We're so helpless; slaves to our impulses we're afraid of our emotions and no one knows where the shore is; we're divided by the ocean and the only thing I know is the answer isn't for us the answer is. not. for us... I'm sorry, two words that I always think of after you've gone and I realize that I was acting all wrong."

She is so perfect. From my point of view she has never done anything wrong. Any fight we've ever had, has always been my fault. Anything that's ever gone wrong between us could have been prevented by me. It's so simple.

Happy

I'm happy knowing that you are mine, the grass is greener on the other side. The more I think the more I wish that we could lay here for hours and just reminisce. I'm trying to put into words, just like Cristofer Ingle, how happy I feel because of her. I know that I'm so happy and so in love with her, but The words just aren't coming anymore. Am I really cut out to be a writer? After only a couple months I've already lost words to express how incredible she makes me feel. I hope it's only because I've actually exhausted every word in the English language having to do with how much one could possibly love another. I know I haven't so I'm going to go ahead and do actual looking around for more of these words. I know that I have a large vocabulary, because I'm a genius, but, I know that my vocabulary doesn't have enough words in it for her.