Numb.

     To have all of my nerve endings and emotions just stop. To be torn to pieces and still feel as one.
     To be crushed by the weight of you and not even know your name.
     To stare at the sun all day and still be able to see clear.
     To have no knowledge of what I did the day before, much less ate for breakfast. If anything.
   
     I want to be but not feel, I want to eat but not taste and I want to see but not understand. I don't want to die, not yet, because I know that even though you will never know how wrong you were, I need to be around for the day that I become what I want. I need to stop. I need to breathe. I need to repair; re mantle; reevaluate. Hysterical and useless, hysterical and let down and hanging around. Crushed like a bug in the ground.

     I'll take an unheard prayer to be my freeing verse.
     I'll be a beautiful day, that is, one with your hearse.
     I don't have time to be your sole, only to say that I am done.

     I am burned out and I don't even know why. I've no reason to be and I can't even begin to think why I would be.

     I hate you without feeling. I want to kill you and not care, I want to curse at you and not feel remorse and I want to tell you to your face all of these things. I hate you. I fucking hate you. This is say in a letter to myself I fucking hate you, David. I fucking hate you. Why do you have to be this way?!?! Stop it! stop crying, my eyes burn. I can't. I can't stop, it feels too damn good. Stop it, stop, there's so much blood! I can't. I can't stop. It feels too damn good. Why can't I just I stop feeling? Why can't I just close my eyes to never find them open again?